


Lee Felix is Not Okay

by YongbokkieSunshine



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Changbin wants to help, Depression, Felix is sad, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hyunjin is mean in this, Lee Felix (Stray Kids)-centric, M/M, Panic Attacks, Pining, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Supportive Chan
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-01
Updated: 2020-10-05
Packaged: 2021-01-16 02:14:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 32,728
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21263420
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YongbokkieSunshine/pseuds/YongbokkieSunshine
Summary: Ever since their Levanter comeback, Felix has been having a hard time. He's struggling with anxiety, newfound feelings for Changbin, depression, and self-loathing. Changbin knows Felix is not okay, and he just wants to help him.//WIP, Kinda slow updatesthis story has been edited to take out former skz members





	1. Chapter 1

The past few months had been difficult for Felix. Anyone close to the boy could tell he hadn’t been acting his usual self. Felix was having a hard time, and although everyone could see that, Felix couldn’t bring himself to actually admit it to them.

Since their Levanter comeback, Felix had been struggling with many things including his returning anxiety, identity issues, and depression.

If you were someone who truly knew Felix, you would know that he has a long history with anxiety. Since he was young he found it hard to put himself out there and talk to new people and honestly just to be out in public in general. However, soon before he debuted with Stray Kids, his anxiety had nearly disappeared and he discovered newfound confidence. It was a very good thing seeing as anxiety and stage fright aren’t really things you want to have when you’re a famous K-pop idol.

But, nothing good lasts forever, apparently, because right before Felix and his group-mates came back with Levanter, Felix’s anxiety came crashing back to him. Along with some not-so-platonic feelings for his friend, Changbin.

His realized feelings for Changbin brought along some internalized homophobia which brought along depression and self loathing.

And at this moment, Changbin was laughing loudly across the room at some dumb joke Hyunjin had made and Felix could tell he lost a little more of himself to Changbin.

“Hyunjinnie? What’s a hoe? Like the garden tool???” Jeongin looked confused and Felix had to giggle at Jeongin’s innocence.

“You’ll learn when you’re older son.” Chan pat the maknae lightly on the head and Changbin laughed harder.

Felix stood from the chair he had been occupying and headed to a couch where Changbin, Hyunjin, and Jeongin were loitering.

The room was noisy and Felix felt stressed out. They were at a “get-together” thrown by their company so all the other JYP groups were there along with some non-JYP ones.

Felix tried to calm down as he stopped walking and stood in place beside Changbin.

“Felix!” Changbin threw his arm around him and squeezed and Felix first felt his heart melt and his cheeks go red and then he felt guilty and disappointed in himself for reacting in such a way.

Felix looked up and smiled as best he could at Changbin.

“Felix-hyung, are you okay? You were all by yourself and you look kinda sad.” Jeongin looked serious and it caught Felix off guard. He thought he was hiding well enough.

“What do you mean Jeongin? Look at him, he’s smiling!” Hyunjin said loudly and patted Felix on the shoulder.

Felix felt like dying.

“Yeah, I’m fine Jeonginnie, just a little tired.” Felix gave a meek smile to Jeongin and Jeongin tried to smile back but he just looked worried.

“Okay…if you say so…” Jeongin was not convinced at all and Felix couldn’t blame him. Everyone probably already knew anyways, maybe they just hated him too much to care.

Suddenly, Felix was yanked away from the group and was startled at first before he turned and saw it had been Jisung that pulled him. Jisung pulled him over to where Minho and Seungmin were and told him that they were going to play Jenga and they wanted him to join in.

There were people he had never met over here, he looked around and tried to recognize someone but the faces were all running together. Felix did not feel like talking to new people, he just wanted to go home now. He was scared.

Felix was dazed and felt his heart pounding. He felt nervous and it was getting hard to breathe.

He looked around and saw Jeongin now talking with Chan across the room, they both looked worried and then Jeongin pointed at him.

Felix was terrified. He felt like he was dying. He could barely breathe.

He heard voices around him, Seungmin, Jisung, Minho, others…but he couldn’t make out what they were saying. He felt a hand on his shoulder and then he noticed Chan marching towards him.

Felix panicked. He took off and ran to the bathroom, he heard shouts that were probably directed towards him but he could care less right now.

Felix burst into the bathroom and fiddled with the lock but he was too disoriented to figure it out. He fell to his knees and put his face in his hands, his eyes were watering, his heart was pounding, and he was hyperventilating. He could hear the music from the other room and peoples distant conversations. He tried to calm down but he was crying now. He was shaking and felt lightheaded.

He heard a noise behind him and could only assume someone had come in to use the restroom, they would probably leave and go tell their friends that they had seen Lee Felix having a panic attack in the bathroom and oh god-

Felix felt arms wrap around him from behind. They held him tightly and Felix felt warmth throughout his body.

Felix passed out.


	2. Chapter 2

Felix opened his eyes and blinked the sleep out of them. He looked around and tried to figure out where he was but it was too dark and Felix was honestly a little paranoid.

Felix suddenly noticed that he felt something warm wrapped around him and he panicked for a second. His eyes then adjusted to the dark and he looked to his side to see none other than the face of Seo Changbin breathing softly next to him, his arms wrapped around Felix. Felix flushed and tried to shake off the butterflies he was feeling.

He decided the best thing to do was probably to wake Changbin up, he also needed an explanation as to how he got where he was. And so he pulled his arm out from Changbin’s grasp and nudged him in the side then shook him to try and wake him up. After a few seconds, he heard Changbin groan and he quickly pulled his hand away.

“Changbin? Wake up.” Felix spoke softly and Changbin opened his eyes slightly and looked up at Felix.

“You’re awake…” Changbin’s voice was raspy and tired and Felix would be lying if he said it wasn’t amazing.

Changbin turned over and let Felix out of his grasp and Felix was kind of sad that the warmth was gone. Over Changbin’s shoulder Felix could see light coming from what he assumed was Changbin’s phone.

“It’s 1am.” Changbin put his phone down and turned back on his side to face Felix. They were close and Felix could feel Bin’s breathing on his face.

Felix tried to calm down. “Yeah…how did I get here again?” The last thing Felix remembered was blacking out at JYP’s get together.

Changbin looked at Felix and frowned. “I found you crying in the bathroom at the JYP thing last night. I tried to calm you down but you passed out in my arms.” Changbin looked sheepishly at Felix. “I had to get Minho to help me bring you back to the dorms.”

Felix reddened and he muttered a quiet “sorry…”

Changbin quickly looked back to Felix “No, no! It’s not your fault…oh and you woke up at some point on the way to the dorms. Only for a minute though and then you fell asleep. Minho and I didn’t want to leave you alone so I agreed to stay in here with you incase you woke up…”

“Oh, thank you.” Felix gave a small smile to Changbin and now it was his turn to get flustered (Which did not go unnoticed by Felix).

“It’s really no problem, I care about you after all.” Changbin returned Felix’s smile.

The boys laid there for a little while, just looking at each other. Admiring one another. They got closer, and closer, and infinitely closer.

Felix felt those nervous butterflies in his stomach again as he looked Changbin in the eyes.

Changbin’s eyes fluttered closed and he moved even closer to Felix, and Felix panicked. He jerked back and his head hit the wall behind him harshly.

Changbin immediately sat up and pulled Felix’s head into his chest “Are you okay oh my god!”

Felix pushed Changbin away and he felt tears start to stream down his face, half from the physical pain and half from the emotional. “Go away!” Felix practically screamed and Changbin flinched but stayed put.

Felix kept up telling Changbin to leave until his voice was just a whisper.

“Please…go away.” Felix was still crying.

Changbin looked pained and worried but Felix was looking down. He pulled the blonde haired boy closer one last time and pecked him gently on the top of his head, then he stood. Changbin left the room and closed the door behind him, eyes watering and tears almost escaping.

Felix still sat on his bed, shaking and looking down. He was still crying but the stream had slowed down.

“Why…” He sounded torn apart and tired and he once again, felt like dying.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

BEEP, BEEP, Beep

Felix awoke to the loud, ear piercing sound of his alarm. He rolled over and checked the time. 6:30 AM. About two hours after Felix had finally managed to fall asleep. He groaned and rolled back over in bed, intent on falling asleep again, until the memories from earlier that morning arose in his head. Felix buried his head in his pillow and groaned a second time even louder. He practically forced himself to sit up and sat for a moment trying to wake up completely. At that moment a cheerful looking Jeongin burst into his room.

“Wake up Felix-hyung~! It-oh, you’re already up!” Jeongin smiled brightly at Felix and told him to get dressed. “Channie is taking us out for breakfast, so hurry up!” Jeongin left Felix’s room and closed the door behind him.

“How can someone be so cheerful at 6 in the morning..” Felix mumbled as he stood to get dressed. He could already tell this was going to be a long day and he hadn’t even seen Changbin yet.

Felix dressed first in a t-shirt and jeans before he looked at his wrists and realized he’d better wear a sweater. And so he did, He ended up in a white sweater and black jeans.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The ride to the breakfast place was fine. Felix and Jisung were being loud and Jeongin was asking if they were there yet and Chan’s eye was twitching. Seungmin was laughing at Hyunjin who was talking to Changbin who was staring at Felix. And of course Minho was watching Jisung. Things almost felt normal for Felix as if things were actually okay and all was right again.

When they all arrived at the restaurant, they sat at a large, half circle shaped booth. Felix sat beside Jisung and Changbin was across the table from him. Felix honestly wanted to avoid Changbin at all costs. He knew he was in love with Changbin, he just didn’t want to be. It was wrong, what would his family thing? His friends? The memories of that morning would not escape Felix. Was Changbin trying to kiss him? Or was Felix just being delusional. A part of him wished Changbin was trying to kiss him, but a larger part hoped he wasn’t.

“Felix? Hello? What are you thinking about ordering?” Felix was pulled from his thoughts by Jisung beside him and he turned to look at him.

“Oh, uh, I haven’t really thought about it yet…” Felix felt dumb and decided to actually open his menu. He was afraid of ordering for himself honestly, he felt like a child.

“Maybe I’ll just get whatever you’re getting.” Felix voiced to Jisung.

Jisung looked to Felix and smiled softly “Okay, I’ll order it for you then.”

Felix felt relieved and he moved his head to take in his surroundings. He saw Minho talking to Seungmin and Hyunjin, Jisung talking with Chan and Jeongin, and finally, he saw Changbin staring at him. Felix met his eyes. Changbin looked worried. Felix looked away.

Changbin was worried about Felix. He has known for a while that he hasn’t been quite himself lately but perhaps it’s worse than he first thought. After Felix’s panic attack last night and then his meltdown that morning, Changbin was definitely more than just a little worried about Felix. He knew Felix wasn’t okay and he wanted to help him. But he didn’t think Felix wanted anything to do with him right now. He felt like he had to confront him, maybe later in the dorms. Changbin just wanted Felix to be okay, and he wanted to help him with that.

The waitress approached their table with a bored look on her face. “Are you ready to order?” Chan looked around and confirmed that they were indeed ready to order and they went around the table ordering what they wanted. When she got to Jisung he ordered pancakes and let the waitress know that Felix would be having the same. The waitress closed her book.”That’ll be out as soon as possible.” The waitress left their table to bring the kitchen their order and chatter at the table resumed once again.

“Hey Felix, I thought you didn’t like pancakes?” Felix noticed Changbin talking to him from across the table.

“Well, they’re okay…” Felix responded sheepishly before turning to converse with Jisung and Minho.

When the food got to their table, Felix took a bite of his food and decided he could honestly go without. They left and Felix had barely touched his food.


	3. Chapter 3

Today was Wednesday and Felix absolutely did NOT want to be here. In the middle of some shopping mall being forced to listen to Jisung and Minho flirt with each other. He was happy for them and all but it was unsightly to him. He wanted nothing more than to go back to the dorms and wrap himself in blankets to forget his worries.

The past few days had been a real drag. It’s been 3 days since the Changbin incident and they have barely exchanged words beyond muttered “Thank you”s and “Excuse me”s and it was kind of getting to Felix. He was kind of tired of not talking to Changbin. HE hadn’t really talked much to the other members either so he was getting lonely.

As Felix walked along behind the other members, he stared off into space while rubbing his arm subconsciously through his sleeves.The mall was kind of loud but Felix was too dissociated to care much. Suddenly, Felix ran into someone and fell back on his butt.

“Oh sorry, here” Chan looked down at him and reached out his hand to help the younger.

Felix frantically replied “No, no, it’s my fault. Sorry, I wasn’t paying attention…”.

“But it’s no big deal, here let me help you.” Chan smiled softly.

Felix lifted his arm up to grab Chan’s hand and in an instant Chan’s expression changed from one of gentleness to one of shock and concern.

“Oh my god! Felix, are you okay?” Felix was confused and was going to ask what Chan had meant but then he felt a pang of panic in his chest as he realized Chan’s eyes had wandered from his face to his lifted arm where his sleeve had fallen down, exposing the tens of recent scars on his wrist.

In an instant, Felix had yanked his arm downwards, letting his sleeve cover his arm once again. His heart pounded in his chest and he was frozen in place.

“I-I um-I..” Felix tried to speak, tried to make an excuse or a badly timed joke or just something. But all he could get out were stutters.

Chan’s face morphed in an array of emotions, finally ending on one of sadness. “Felix…I-”

Chan was cut off by a voice, Jeongin’s, yelling back towards the pair. “Guys! Come on or we’re leaving you!” Jeongin was smiling widely. Felix didn’t want to ruin the mood.

“We’ll be right there!” Felix put on his best exaggerated fake smile and forced himself off the ground. He walked swiftly past Chan and towards the others. Chan turned around, watching Felix walk away. His eyes were filled with worry and sadness.

“Felix…”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was the afternoon now, 3pm, and the boys were on their way home. It was a long ride for 2 members in particular, Chan and Felix. Ever since earlier, Felix had tried to keep his distance and Chan had tried to get closer, to talk to him. Felix just though this wasn’t the time or place to do that. He hadn’t imagined anyone would ever find out about what he was doing, and now the thought of having to face his problem and talk to someone about it terrified him. So, here he was, squished in his seat between Chan and Seungmin, nervous and scared about the conversation to come when they made it back to the dorms.

“Chan-hyung, Felix-hyung, are you okay. You guys look worried.” Jeongin had stopped talking cheerfully and had turned his attention to the two quiet boys in the seats in front of him, frowning now.

Chan seemed to be snapped out of his thoughts and he turned to smile at Jeongin. “We’re okay, Jeonginnie, I was just thinking and Felix has been feeling sick today.” Felix turned to Chan,thanking him silently for making him an excuse.

“Oh, okay. If I had known I wouldn’t have dragged everyone out today, sorry…” Jeongin looked down and Felix turned to reassure him.

“It’s alright, I had fun today!” Felix tried to smile widely and it seemed to convince Jeongin at least a little. Chan knew the truth though and stared at him knowingly, not saying anything.

“Well, okay! Next time tell us if you’re feeling bad though, okay?” Jeongin smiled his wide smile and then turned away and got distracted talking to Hyunjin.

Felix smiles a little bit and looked down at his hands. He felt Chan’s eyes staring at him. He checked the time on his phone. Ten more minutes. It was going to be a long day.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When they got back to the dorms, Seungmin decided to flop down on the couch (an action that he would regret, as Jisung, and Jeongin had decided to play Mario Kart in the living room, disturbing his peace.) Hyunjin and Minho went to their rooms to do whatever they were doing (Looking at pictures of cats, or pictures of Seungmin or something), Changbin went to the kitchen to eat, and Chan followed Felix as he tried to make his way to his room.

Felix made it to his room and tried to quickly close the door behind him but Chan stopped the door with his hand. He pushed the door open and stepped inside the room with Felix, closing the door behind him.

Felix turned around to look at Chan. “What do you want?”. In reality Felix knew what he wanted. He wanted to talk about what he had seen earlier. But Felix really didn’t want to do that, he knew he should, he just didn’t want to.

“Felix...we need to talk.” Chan looked saddened by the fact that Felix was trying to push him away. He needed to talk about what was going on with him. He had noticed Felix had been down lately, but he didn’t imagine it could be this bad. He wanted to find the root of the problem and try to help.

Felix was scared. What if Chan thought he was being ridiculous, what if he laughed at his problems or said they were no big deal? Deep down he knew Chan wouldn’t do that but he couldn’t stop the emotions and concerns from bubbling up in his chest. Felix had to sit down, so he did. He took a seat on his bed. He was shaking.

Chan sat beside him quietly and immediately noticed the stress emitting from the younger boy. He looked like he was on the verge of a breakdown.

“Hey hey, Felix. Calm down, it’s alright. Just tell me what’s wrong and I can help.” Chan tried desperately to calm him down but to no avail.

“No, stop, please leave I don’t want to talk to you.” Felix’s voice was high and shaky and he looked down. He felt an ache in his chest and tears building up in his eyes. He felt numb. He wanted to talk, he wanted to have someone to confide in but he couldn’t, it would only cause inconveniences for Chan. He couldn’t burden Chan with his petty problems.

Chan scooted closer to Felix. “It’s okay. I will listen. I’m not going to make fun of you if that’s what you’re worried about. We all have problems that we deal with on a day to day basis, it’s okay to talk about them and release your stress.” Chan could hear Felix’s breathing change. Was he crying? Oh god, Chan didn’t want to make him cry. Maybe he should leave--

“Chan...please help me…” Felix’s voice held desperation, he could feel the tears beginning to flow down his face. He looked up at Chan with his tear streaked face and sad expression. “So much...has been happening and I don’t know what to do. I feel like dying…”

Chan looked worriedly at Felix. His throat was starting to tighten and he felt like crying too. “Tell me everything.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is really short 😔✊

Felix broke down. He was really going to tell Chan everything. Maybe it was a good thing, perhaps he wouldn’t have to carry the weight of his problems alone now. He honestly felt bad that he had to burden Chan with his problems, but in this moment it felt more sensible than suffering alone.

Felix looked Chan in the eyes with his tear stained face. He struggled to get his words out. It was hard after going so long without telling anybody, even if they all knew something was wrong anyways. Now Chan was about to be the first one to find out what exactly was wrong.

Felix took a deep breath and Chan nodded at him as if to encourage him to speak. First, Felix rolled up his sleeves. Chan's breath hitched as he finally got a chance to see Felix’s arms fully. They were worse than he thought. Tens of cuts, most new, some maybe a few weeks old, but all cuts. Chan’s eyes were watering.

“Oh my god…” As he spoke, his words shook. He waited for Felix to begin talking.

“...First of all...as you may have noticed, I’ve had really bad anxiety for a while...I thought I was done with it but it just kind of came back I guess,” Felix paused, preparing to continue “Also...I think I might have feelings for Changbin.” Felix’s breath hitched as he admitted this out loud.

Chan moved to put his arm around Felix’s back, a comforting motion. “Yes...I’ve noticed your anxiety, especially in public places like the JYP get together…” Felix flinched, he was hoping Chan hadn’t seen how bad he was then, but honestly, how could you not have noticed? “And, it’s okay if you like Changbin. What’s wrong with that? He probably likes you too, after all.” Chan giggled lightly to try and clear the tension in the room but the air felt just as thick.

Felix was silent for a little while before he continued talking. “I just...I don’t want to be...gay…” Felix said the word quietly as if it was a sin to even be saying it at all. Chan looked surprised at the other boy’s words.

“I thought you were fine with that, we always make it clear that we support that community, Lix.” Chan was even more worried now. His eyes darted to different places around the room, trying to find something to look at while Felix refused to look him in the eyes. The room was silent. All that could be heard was the faint yelling of Seungmin, Jisung, and Jeongin on Mario Kart and the two nervous boys breathing.

Felix coughed and spoke up. “I do support that. But just not for myself? I don’t know Chan...I just feel like I’m doing something wrong by liking him...I feel like I would just look at myself with disgust if I liked boys.” Felix had spoken fast, as if he would lose the words if he didn’t speak them now.

Chan turned to Felix and pulled his shoulder, forcing him to look him in the eyes. “Are you really worried about your own opinion, or are you worried about everyone else's?” Felix held his breath, he was shocked. Chan took this as a sign that maybe he was right.

Felix thought about it for a while. Maybe Chan was right, maybe he was worried about other people. Did he not want other people to look at him in disgust? Felix would have to ponder the idea more.

“I don’t know honestly. Maybe you’re right. All I know is that I feel like it’s eating me up inside. It makes me want to die…” Chan was sad for Felix, wouldn’t you be? “I’ve had so many intrusive thoughts lately. It feels like everyone around me is just waiting for me to kill myself. I feel like no one actually cares about me, like they’re all pretending.” That was all it look for Chan to pull Felix into him and hug him tightly. Felix was breathing quickly.

“It’s all okay, Felix. We all love you and care about you so so much. We would never want you to go away, please don’t do anything dangerous. The world would be miserable without you,” Chan was rambling and he was almost crying, Felix, however, was crying. He was crying hard. It felt good to feel cared about. He wished he could feel okay forever but he knew it wouldn’t last.

“And please stop hurting yourself, everyone would be devastated if they wound out. We don’t want you to be in pain, Felix.” Chan finished. Felix stayed silent.

They sat like that for a while before either of them let go. Eventually, Chan left after telling him he had better go fix dinner. He left Felix with words of advice. “Seriously Felix, we all love you so much...and maybe you should try to talk to Changbin. He’s been pretty down since you guys stopped talking…”

Chan was right, he should talk to Changbin. But maybe not right now...he was too emotional to function right now. So he decided to shower instead and get ready to sleep. He wasn’t going to wait on dinner. He wasn’t hungry.


	5. Chapter 5

Felix awoke the next morning with a groan. His stomach felt painfully empty. All of a sudden the events of the previous night came rushing back to him and he groaned again, louder this time. He was glad that he told someone what he was going through but he was praying that Chan wouldn’t tell anyone else, he doesn’t want to make everyone feel bad for him.

He decided to force himself out of bed and sit up straight, he stretched and looked around his messy room. He hadn’t cleaned up in a while just because he hadn’t felt motivated to, so the room was a bit messy. Clothes were strewn around the room along with old shopping bags and other miscellaneous items. Felix sighed, he should really get around to picking this up soon.

Felix pushed off the bed and stood up. He could hear the chatter in the other room now and decided to go greet everyone. So, he walked to his door, unlocked it, and made his way to the kitchen where he presumed the others were.

“Felix! How do you feel…” As soon as he had walked into the room, Chan had noticed and greeted him. The others kept talking amongst themselves and waiting for food to be ready. All except Changbin, who was sitting at the table with his head down.

Felix turned his attention back to the older boy in front of him. “I’m fine. How are you?” Felix’s voice was a little hoarse as he spoke for the first time that day. He had noticed Chan’s eyes were puffy, and he realized his own probably were too, due to the events of last night. He just hoped no one asked about it.

“I’m...I’m doing alright I guess.” Chan spoke with uncertainty in his tone. “You need to talk to Changbin, Felix.” Chan’s face had changed and he looked stern, soft, and worried all at the same time.

“Yeah, I will, I told you th-”

“No. Felix you really need to talk to him. Like, today.” Chan was serious and Felix was confused. “Felix...look at him.” Chan nodded his head towards Changbin.

Felix turned his head to look at him. He had picked his head up and was resting his chin on his fist. He looked like he was contemplating. His eyebrows were creased and his lips were tight. And his eyes were puffy.

Felix felt a pang in his heart. Changbin looked worn. And he had been crying. Oh my god, what if he was crying over Felix. Felix felt pain in his heart as guilt started to set it. Chan noticed the concerned look on Felix’s face.

“Talk to him later, Felix. I’m serious, he needs it.” With that, Chan walked over to the table and Minho announced that breakfast was done. Felix hesitantly sat down at the table as Minho and Seungmin brought the plates of food to the middle of the table. Felix was going to eat but with all that was going on, all of a sudden Felix wasn’t hungry.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Breakfast was over and the members were getting ready to do whatever they were all going to do today. The members were discussing their plans and deciding to go out and do things, all except Felix and Changbin. Felix actually kind of wanted to go out today. But Changbin was the first one to say he wasn’t leaving and so Felix decided he should stay back too. He needed to talk to Changbin. What he was going to say, Felix didn’t exactly know. No way was he telling him all that he had told Chan. But he’d let him in enough that he wasn’t in the dark. And Felix would try not to avoid him so much anymore.

After all of the other members had left, off to do whatever activities they found amusing, Felix found himself making his way to Changbin’s room. His steps felt heavy as he was anticipating what was going to happen. He hadn’t even planned out what he was going to say. He felt a nervous pang in his chest and he thought about going to his room and just doing this some other day. And then he remembered Changbin’s solemn face this morning and he kept walking.

He reached his room and his heart was pounding. He raised his hand to knock but kept his arm up for a solid thirty seconds before actually knocking lightly on the door. He swallowed and it felt like there was a knot in his throat.

“Who is it?” Changbin sounded confused, he’d thought everyone had left.

Felix took a few seconds to gather his voice before replying. “...It’s Felix. Can I come in…?”

There was silence for a while. Too much silence for too long for Felix to feel comfortable. He was about to just walk back to his room and accept that the older didn’t want to see him right now.

“Yes, come in.” Changbin answered finally. Felix hesitated before putting his hands on the knob and twisting. The door opened and Felix noticed how dim it was, the light of the sun being blocked by dark curtains and the best source of light being a small bedside lamp.

They stared at each other for a minute before Binnie gave him a small smile. “Well, come sit down. I assume you want to talk?” Felix felt his heart flutter for a second a Changbin’s smile until he noticed that his eyes still looked incredibly sad.

“Yes…” Felix made his way over to Changbin’s bed and sat on it, he noticed how soft it was and told himself that maybe he should get a new mattress.

Changbin turned to him and looked him straight in the eyes. Felix was determined not to cry this time. But where should he start? How much should he tell him? He was stressed out and he started fidgeting with his hands, a nervous look appearing on his face.

Changbin noticed the boy’s nerves and placed a hand on his back, rubbing circles to sooth him. “Hey, just tell me what you want to tell me. You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to Felix. I just want you to open up to me a little. And also to stop ignoring me maybe.” Changbin added a light laugh at the end, trying to make Felix more comfortable and calm him down a bit. It seemed to work because Felix’s face looked less stressed and his shoulders weren’t as tense. He saw the younger close his eyes for a second, presumably to calm down more.

“Yeah, okay. To be honest...I don’t really want to say a whole lot.” Felix scooted a little closer to Changbin, looking for more comfort. Changbin got the hint and scooted closer to Felix so their sides were touching. He looked down at Felix’s still trembling hand and slowly reached down for it, holding it in his own comfortingly. He squeezed his hand.

“That’s fine, I’m here for you no matter what you tell me Lix. I care about you. I just want to help.” Felix squeezed his hand a little harder and Changbin took that as a good sign.

“Okay...well. As you’ve definitely noticed...I’ve been stressed lately. A lot of things have been going on in my mind and I feel terrible most of the time…” Felix paused. Changbin ran his thumb gently over Felix’s thumb, a small gesture but it made Felix’s heart beat faster.

“Sometimes...Binnie...I just want to die. I just want to end it all and go away.” Changbin scrunched his face in a mixture of worry and sadness. Felix’s voice was trembling but he was determined not to cry in front of Changbin.

“Lix...please don’t ever do something like that...so many people love you and want you here.” Changbin’s voice was shaky now too, he hoped this was helping. He wasn’t always the best at emotional talks. Felix started shaking harder and looked up at Changbin. Changbin noticed the tears in Felix’s eyes and the way he was struggling to hold them in.

There were too many emotions for Felix, having two talks like this within 24 hours was hard to do. He just kept telling himself not to cry. He can’t cry in front of Changbin. He’ll look weak. He can’t cry. If he just keeps telling himself this it’ll work. He can’t cry in front of Changbin. He can’t cry in front of Changbin.

Despite the chanting in his head, as Felix looked at Changbin, he felt a tear roll down his cheek. He blinked and all of them came rushing out at once. Felix felt like screaming. He felt tears streaming down his face and he began to sob. He was embarrassed he wasn’t supposed to cry in front of Changbin,but the tears just wouldn’t stop. His mind was a mess as he thought about everything. About Changbin, about Chan, and his anxiety and self hatred and how useless he was. How much better everyone would be without him. Maybe he should just do it maybe he should just go kill himse-

Felix’s frantic thoughts were interrupted by strong arms pulling him in. He froze as Changbin pulled him down. They were laying down now. Changbin was holding Felix tightly as if he was never willing to let go. Felix realized his situation and buried his head into Changbin’s chest, beginning to sob even harder. His fists were gripping at Changbin’s shirt as they each tried to pull each other impossibly closer.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry I’m sorry…” Felix was apologizing now as his head was still on Changbin’s chests, his crying not calming down.

“Shhh, Felix..It’s okay. You didn’t do anything wrong. It’s okay. You’re okay. You’ll always be okay, I’m not letting go.” Changbin’s voice was strained as he frantically tried to calm Felix down. Felix finally looked up and realized that Changbin had his eyes closed tightly, he looked like he was trying not to cry. Felix felt bad.

“...Changbinnie…” Changbin opened his eyes and looked down at Felix, his face still streaked with tears and new ones still flowing. “You can cry too...it’s okay…” And with that Changbin let go. Tears rolled down his face and Felix continued crying as well.

They pulled each other back and stayed like that even long after they had both stopped crying. And for once, Felix felt okay. He felt secure in Changbin’s arms. He felt like the world was only them two. He felt cared for and loved and in this moment he was sure. He was in love with Changbin.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was late afternoon now and Felix awoke still in Changbin’s arms. He smiled to himself as he yawned and stretched his arms, his movement bringing him out of Changbin’s grast and awakening Changbin who promptly pulled Felix back into his chest, his arms wrapping themselves around Felix once more.

Felix’s face flushed and he could feel his cheeks burning. He looked at Changbin who was already looking at him with half-closed eyes. “Bin...could you let go please…” Felix’s voice was small and he spoke looking away from Changbin.

“You’re so warm thoughhhh.” Changbin whined, unsuccessfully trying to pull Felix even closer. Felix sighed and decided to just settle in Changbin’s arms. He felt content.

Felix and Changbin were both startled out of their dazes when they heard the loud slamming of the front door. Looks like everyone was back. Felix sighed looked at Changbin, Changbin knew he had to let the boy go now. Changbin groaned and reluctantly removed his arms from around Felix. Felix giggled at Changbin and moved to sit up.

“Changbin, Felix! We’re homeee!” Felix and Changbin jumped up from their positions as Chan had just barged into the room, shouting loudly towards them. Chan’s eyes widened and he turned away.

“Oh my gosh sorry guys!” Chan left the room and closed the door behind him. Felix’s face burned. He supposes it might’ve looked a bit suspicious. What, both of them jumping up from Changbin’s bed upon Chan’s entrance. Yikes. Felix laughed nervously to break the silence before turning to look at Changbin, whose face was also flushed.

“Well anyways...I’d better go…” Felix smiled shyly towards Changbin.

“Uh yeah probably…” Changbin hesitated before going to hug Felix tightly, burying his head in Felix’s shoulder. “Please, come talk to me anytime you need to. And please don’t ignore me anymore.”

Felix was taken slightly by surprise but he wrapped his arms around Changbin and responded nonetheless. “Of course, I’ve really missed you Binnie…”

With that Changbin pulled away and smiled at Felix. “I missed you too, too much.” Felix smiled back at him before going to the door and pulling it open.

“Bye, I’ll see you tomorrow.” Felix gave a small wave and left before he had time to change his mind and go cuddle Changbin again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was later now and Felix was lying on his bed, thinking about things. Specifically, thinking about Changbin

He thought about how beautiful he was. How sincere and amazing and kind he was. He thought about all of the times Changbin had made his heart flutter and imagined things that would make his heart flutter even more. He thought about his arms and how they were so comforting, and how soft his cheeks were. How beautiful he looked even when he had tears streaming down his face. He also thought about his lips and how they might feel on his own before he decided to stop thinking, his face too flushed to continue.

He groaned and shoved his face into his pillow. Maybe things were looking up now. Maybe things would get better after all. Maybe he could learn to accept himself and love himself.

His thoughts were interrupted by a knock at his door. He was confused because it was around midnight and he assumed everyone was asleep by now. Despite his confusion, he answered the person behind the door.

“Yes? Who is it?” Felix didn’t have to wait long for a response.

“It’s Hyunjin, can I come in?”

Hyunjin? Why would Hyunjin want to talk to him at this hour. “Yeah sure, come on.”

The door opened and Hyunjin stood there slightly flushed in the face. He seemed nervous and it put Felix slightly on edge. What would Hyunjin have to say that would make him nervous?

“What do you need?” Felix asked hesitantly.

“I really need someone to talk to about something and I thought you’d be the best person…” Hyunjin looked down and walked slowly over to Felix, gently sitting beside him on the bed.

“Okay...well, what is it then?” Maybe Felix was overreacting it couldn’t be that serious, this was Hyunjin after all.

“Well…you see, the thing is…” Hyunjin was struggling to get his words out but after some time he finally managed to force the words out.

“I think I’m in love with Changbin.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> //TRIGGER WARNING - Self Harm//

It was Friday and Felix was currently in the car with all of the other members. They had all decided to go to a new café in town for brunch. Last night Hyunjin had confessed to Felix that he thought he was in love with Changbin. Felix had pretended to take it well but inside he was hurting. He had almost began to think that liking Changbin was okay for him to do. But Hyunjin had forced those thoughts to an abrupt stop. He didn’t want to steal anyone from Hyunjin, but honestly it’s not as if Changbin would ever see him like that anyways. Changbin would probably be better off with Hyunjin than he’d ever be with him.

Felix sighed. He had told Hyunjin last night with some fake exaggerated smile that he supported him. He told him he was happy for him. He told him he should make a move. Felix was hurting while telling him all of this, of course. His own feelings for Changbin were in the way. Changbin didn’t need someone toxic like Felix in his life. Felix was just a depressed boy with anxiety who wanted to kill himself. Felix hated himself. And Hyunjin was the opposite. Hyunjin was happy and confident, he loved himself. Who wouldn’t prefer Hyunjin over Felix? After all, how could anyone love someone so pathetic. Felix’s own thoughts made him sad. But he knew they must be true.

Some song was playing on the radio that Felix recognized a bit, but not enough to care about it. He looked out the window at the buildings passing by. He wanted to avoid looking at Hyunjin who was probably flirting with Changbin right now. However, he couldn’t block out Hyunjin’s obnoxiously loud “Binnieee! Are you listening to me?”

Felix furrowed his brows. He was tuned in now and listened for Changbin’s reply but he heard none. Geez, poor Hyunjin honestly. He couldn’t blame Changbin though, Hyunjin could be annoying sometimes.

Felix’s curiosity got the better of him and he turned to face where he knew Changbin and Hyunjin were sitting. Felix’s eyes widened as he turned to see that Changbin was staring directly at him, lost in thought. Hyunjin was pouting beside him and whining to get his attention. Changbin noticed Felix caught him staring and offered a small smile to the younger, to which Felix’s eyes softened and he smiled gently back at Changbin.

Hyunjin looked between them and glared slightly at Felix “Ugh.” Hyunjin gave up and fell backwards in his seat.

Felix took notice of the other things happening around him. Chan was singing along softly to the radio, a small smile on his face. Minho and Jisung were fighting but at the same time looked like they wanted to make out. Jeongin was trying to get Minho and Jisung to stop fighting, the youngest obliviously not realizing anything else but the anger between them. And Seungmin was staring at Hyunjin. There was a sadness in his eyes that Felix couldn’t quite place, but before he had time to really question it, they had arrived at the café.

Once they had all sat down, Felix took in the smells of the café. His stomach rumbled and he tried to remember the last time he had eaten. A few days ago? Well, Felix was sure it was fine. He was going to be eating now anyways.

He looked over the menu, not seeing a whole lot he particularly liked until his eyes stopped over a chocolate croissant. He’d always been fond of sweet things and pastries so he decided to order two of those. As he sat back and waited for the waitress to come take their order, he looked around the table.

He finally realized, that he was sitting between Changbin on his right and Chan on his left. Hyunjin was, of course, on the other side of Changbin. There wasn’t too much chatter around the table at the moment, most of the others were still deciding what to order.

“Changbinnie, what are you gonna order?” Hyunjin’s voice was sickeningly sweet again. And he put his hands on Changbin’s thigh as he spoke.

Changbin pushed his hand away and told him he didn’t know yet, leaving Hyunjin to mope while Changbin turned to Felix. “What are you getting, Lix? You’re getting something, right? I don’t think I’ve seen you eat in a bit.” Changbin had noticed that Felix already put his menu down so he assumed he was ready.

Felix was surprised Changbin would ask him, he shouldn’t of been but he was. He wasn’t really expecting Changbin to care what he was getting. He was also surprised that Changbin noticed he hadn’t eaten.

“Yeah, I am. I’m probably just getting a couple chocolate croissants.” Felix replied simply. Changbin nodded his head and pat Felix’s shoulder comfortingly before turning to look at his menu once again.

Felix looked away to go on his phone, logging into his secret twitter account and scrolling through what people were saying about Stray Kids right now. He saw mostly positivity, a few comments about their music but mostly there were posts about the members themselves.

Felix scrolled until he found one post in particular that made him stop. He felt his something in his chest as he read it

“Lee Felix really needs to lose some weight, he has so much baby fat lol”  
-StayWithSkz

Felix’s thumb shook, hesitating to click on the replies. He tapped the replies shakily.

“I know right? I didn’t want to say anything but…”   
-ChangbinnieUwu

“For real! He’d look so much better if he was skinnier” -KittyMinho97

“While he’s at it he should cover up those freckles tol, they’re kind of ugly honestly”  
-YongbokYeet

Felix was shaky. These were all fans. They thought he was ugly. They were probably right. Felix thought about himself. He thought about all of the chub he saw when he looked in the mirror. And he thought about his freckles, they probably just made him uglier than he already was. Maybe he should skip brunch after all.

At that moment the waitress arrived at their table “What can I get you all today?” She seemed much nicer than the waitress at that other place.

She got to Felix and he hesitated, thinking things over. He felt Changbin grip his hand comfortingly and without thinking much of it, Felix squeezed his hand softly. “Uh, I just want a water, that’s all.” Changbin’s face furrowed and he looked confused, the waitress was going to move on to Chan but Changbin stopped her.

“Hey, he would like a couple chocolate croissants with that, please.” And before Felix could protest, the waitress nodded her head and moved on to Chan.

“Felix...you said you were going to eat. You really need to.” Changbin looked at him contemplatively. He was concerned.

“I know...I just had anxiety about ordering.” Felix lied straight through his teeth. This time he hadn’t felt a bit of anxiety, the waitress had seemed nice so it calmed him down.

Changbin was suspicious of Felix’s answer but he nodded anyways and squeezed his hand harder. “Okay. Well next time just tell me and I’ll order for you.”

Felix nodded thankfully.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When they got their food, Felix just looked down at his plate. He had still been holding Changbin’s hand but now Changbin pulled away to eat his food. Everyone around Felix began eating and so he decided to mimic them.

He picked up one of the croissants and brought it up to his mouth before taking a small bite, almost letting out a groan when he realized how delicious it was. His stomach rumbled again and he went to take another bite before deciding not to yet and instead putting it back on his plate. He remembered that he was too fat and didn’t want to eat too fast. He’d only end up gaining more weight if he ate it all now. Changbin was watching him the whole time.

Changbin excused himself to the restroom and Felix watched him go. Hyunjin scooted over to be beside Felix.

“Are those good?” He was obviously referring to the croissants and Felix turned to look at him.

“Yeah, they’re pretty sweet but they’re good.” Hyunjin eyed the croissants.

“Can I have one?” Hyunjin gave him puppy eyes which didn’t affect Felix but he decided to give one to Hyunjin anyways, he probably didn’t need both after all.

“Yeah, sure. Here.” He handed one of the croissants to Hyunjin who smiled at it gratefully before turning back to Felix.

“You don’t need it anyways, you should probably work on losing some weight, Felix.” Felix felt his heart drop and Hyunjin turned away and scooted back to his seat, happily biting into the croissant.

Felix felt scared. He didn’t know why but he was on edge now. He felt stressed and self conscious. He wanted to leave now. He looked down at his croissant and in that moment Changbin sat back down next to him.

The first thing Changbin noticed was that Hyunjin had one of Felix’s croissants, and he also noticed that Felix had yet to take another bite of the one remaining on his plate. Changbin turned to talk to to Felix.

“Why does Hyunjin have one of your croissants?”

“He asked for it so I gave it to him. I don’t need it anyways.” Felix looked down at his plate. He forced himself to pick up his food and take another bite, just to appease Changbin.

“What do you mean you don’t need it? You haven’t eaten much lately.”

“I need to lose weight.” Felix smiled meekly.

“Felix. You definitely do not need to lose weight. And even if you did, not eating is not a safe way to do it. Who even told you you needed to lose weight in the first place?” Changbin was confused, Felix had seemed fine before they ordered. Something had to have happened between then and now that was making him act this way.

Felix looked like he didn’t want to talk about it, and he didn’t. But all of his willpower couldn’t make him just ignore Changbin again so he decided to confess. “Well, I was on Twitter. All of the stays on there say that I’m fat and I need to lose weight to be more attractive. Don’t worry though, I know they’re right. I’ve seen myself in the mirror. You don’t have to lie to me.” Felix tried to force a smile as he looked at Changbin. He had never really thought about his weight before but now he was thinking back to all the times he’s looked in the mirror recently and he realizes the fans are right.

Changbin was flabbergasted. First of all, Felix was in no way fat or unattractive. And second, if “fans” were calling him this they didn’t really seem like fans at all to Changbin. However, Changbin didn’t think there was much he could say to get through to Felix right now.

“Well...just please eat. At least finish your croissant. You need to eat to stay healthy and well, Lix.” Changbin smiled a fake smile towards Felix’s fake smile.

“Yeah, okay.” And so Felix ate his croissant slowly and told himself that it was okay. Though he wasn’t sure how much he believed himself.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On the way back to the dorms, Felix sat by Seungmin and Chan. Both looked like they were thinking hard about something. Felix was gonna ask them what was wrong but before he could, Chan turned to talk to him.

“Hey uh, Felix? Have you noticed that Hyunjin has been acting extra clingy today?” Chan looked genuinely confused and he turned to look back at Hyunjin who was once again beside Changbin. Felix followed Chan’s actions and turned to look at the two boys.

Hyunjin’s side was pressed into Changbin and he was scrolling on his phone while his hand was slowly stroking the top of Changbin’s thigh. Changbin looked uncomfortable. Felix was sad and angry. How could Hyunjin be doing this? Changbin was obviously not okay with it but Hyunjin didn’t look like he cared.

Chan turned back to look at Felix and Felix turned back as well, forcing his eyes away from the scene taking place behind him.

“Felix? Hello?” Chan waved his hand in front of Felix’s face and Felix jumped slightly. He had forgotten Chan was talking to him. He looked the other man in the eyes, smiling at him.

“Yeah, uh, don’t tell anyone but,” Felix brought his voice down to a whisper and leaned over to Chan’s ear. “Hyunjin told me last night that...um...he thinks he’s in love with Changbin.”

“WHAT!” Chan shouted loudly, drawing the attention of everyone else in the car. Felix looked at the other members awkwardly.

“Is Channie-hyung okay…?” the youngest of them questioned.

“Yeah Chan, is everything alright.” Jisung sounded concerned as he looked to Chan for an answer.

“I yeah, uh, um…” Chan couldn’t think of what to say. He hadn’t meant to be so loud, but he wasn’t expecting Felix to tell him that out of nowhere.

“He’s fine.” Felix answered for Chan, smiling at the other members. “He’s just...a little tired.” Felix sent an awkward nervous laugh towards the other members.

“Okay...Chan you really need to start getting more sleep.” Jisung said finally, not looking fully convinced by Felix’s words but accepting them nonetheless.

“Yea, haha...I probably should. Sorry for the disturbance…” After that, everyone hesitantly went back to their previous activities, some still a bit concerned for the leader.

Felix turned back to Chan after a few minutes. “God...did you have to react like that.” Felix was whispering again now.

“Sorry. I was just taken by surprise,” Chan smiled guiltily and rubbed the back of his neck. “But anyways…Felix. Aren’t you...you know...with Changbin?” Chan asked this question slowly, not wanting the younger to be startled.

Felix, however, looked surprisingly calm. “Yeah uh, I think I am. But it’s okay. Changbin would never think of me like that in a million years...He needs someone who is actually confident in themselves. Someone who doesn’t freak out and get anxiety over the small things. And someone who’s not ugly. Someone pretty, like Hyunjin.” Felix was sad. “So uh. Yeah, I’m completely okay with Hyunjin liking Changbin haha.”

Felix was lying straight through his teeth. He was sad. He felt terrible. He knew what he was saying was true. Changbin would never want someone pathetic like Felix. The thought of it still made him sick to his stomach. The thought of seeing Changbin being romantic with anyone. Especially, Hyunjin, made him want to die. His chest was tight and he felt more emotional pain than he had in a long while.

Chan knew Felix was lying. He had seen Felix’s fake smiles for years. He knew what they looked like. And right now Felix’s eyes looked devastated. Felix was not okay with Hyunjin liking Changbin. And Chan knew it. He just hoped the younger didn’t do anything stupid because of this. He hoped things would work out for all of them in the end. God. Felix must have it bad for Changbin, Chan realized.

“Okay...just. Please don’t do anything stupid Felix.” Chan’s eyes flitted to Felix’s clothed wrists before quickly looking back up at Felix. Felix didn’t notice the gesture.

“...Okay…”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was late. It was so late. And yet Felix was awake, as usual. Everyone was asleep. Even Chan had gone to sleep early, due to constant nagging from Minho. Felix was depressed.

He was lying down and looking up. His heart had been hurting all day, in an emotional way. And now he could finally let go of all the pent up feelings that had been forming since the previous night. He felt his heartbeat start to speed up as the stress of everything happening took over.

“Fuck…” Felix felt the tears building in his eyes. He felt panic setting in and he thought about things. He thought about Chan and Changbin and Hyunjin and all of his other members. He didn’t deserve Chan. Felix felt like nothing more than a burden. What was the point of living if all you do is make people upset. Chan probably resented him. He was tired of dealing with Felix’s problems.

Felix already felt dead inside. He felt disconnected from the world around him, his problems and anxiety consuming him in their darkness and pain. Felix felt himself falling deeper. He whined loudly as if to shout at the universe.

Hyunjin probably thought he was pathetic. He could see Hyunjin laughing at him, making fun of him for thinking he ever had a chance with Changbin in the first place. As if anyone would want Felix when they could have Hyunjin. Hyunjin probably knew he liked Changbin. Felix doubted he was worried at all, since Felix was nothing but a burden to anyone. Everyone was tired of him. He should just kill himself already, his members and the fans would be better without him anyways. Stays didn’t even like him. They called him fat and ugly. They probably wished he wasn’t a part of Stray Kids at all. No one wanted him here.

Felix let his tears fall, and they only built up again right after. As he cried more and more he felt his breathing getting uneven. Felix felt himself curl up as he released a loud sob, covering his mouth to avoid waking any of the members. Felix laid for a while feeling guilty for existing. For making everyone worry. They wouldn’t have to worry anymore if Felix was gone.

Felix whined. That’s right. If he was gone no one would have to worry about him. They wouldn’t have to deal with his problems. And fans wouldn’t have to watch him, ugly and fat, with the others. Felix was shaking. He forced himself up into a sitting position, wiping his face of tears and snot pointlessly, as more continued to fall immediately after.

He sat for a bit, lost in his head, before using his hands to shakily push himself off of his bed. He walked to his bedroom door and hesitated before reaching for the knob. He was very aware of his wrists at the moment, he could almost feel them tingling. Felix opened his door and tried to be as quiet as possible when he stepped out of his room, making his way into the hallway.

However, he failed and let out a sort of loud half sob half hiccup and slapped his hands over his mouth right after, willing himself to be quiet and trying to force himself to stop crying.

He thought of what he was about to do. He continued walking, reaching the bathroom and reaching his small hands out to unsteadily open the door. He walked into the bathroom, the cold tile beneath his feet making him shiver. Felix reached over for the lightswitch and flipped it on, a dim glow emitting from the bulb.

Felix’s heart was pounding in his chest and his breathing was harsh.

No one wants him here. Everyone would be better if he were gone. He’s a burden. He’s a waste of life.

Felix closed the bathroom door behind him, turning to look at himself in the mirror.

Ugly.

Felix knew what he was doing. He looked around quickly, his actions now frantic. He was still crying, he was breathing heavily and quickly.

Felix turned his attention to the top drawer of the bathroom cabinet. His heart was pounding out of his chest as he brought his hand to the drawer and hesitated for just a split second before yanking the drawer open, his eyes catching immediately on what he was looking for. Razors. Felix grabbed one that had already been taken out of the package, placing it on the counter and quickly taking his shirt off.

He looked again at himself in the mirror, eyes running over his chest and face. Both were dotted with freckles. He had baby fat and chub everywhere. He hated it.

“Disgusting.” He spoke out loud about himself.

Emotions had overtaken Felix, a million thoughts swirling around in his head. All different but all coming to one conclusion. Everything would be better without him.

Felix reached for the razor, taking it in his hand as he had done several times before. He sunk to the ground, bringing the sharp razor to his left arm. He stopped as he pressed the blade against his arm. He felt different than he had when he’d done this before. He hesitated. He thought of Chan, about how comforting he’d been to him. And of Changbin doing the same, even crying with him in his arms. He thought.

It was probably all fake anyways. Even if it wasn’t, they were probably tired of having to deal with him anyways.

With that, Felix pressed the blade into his wrist, careful not to press on a place already marked, and sliced. Felix winced and his immediate instinct was to stop but he couldn’t stop now. He lifted the blade again before bringing it back down harshly, sliding it down his wrist and creating a new slit. Blood was slowly starting to come out of his arm. Felix whined in pain and leaned his head further down, causing tears to slip off of his face and land directly in his new cuts, he flinched at the feeling before continuing to slide the blade across his skin, making a collection of fresh cuts. Felix was releasing loud sobs now and he didn't know how to make himself stop. He lifted the blade, ready to put it back down and continue abusing himself, before there was a knock at the door.

Felix felt himself panic. He stopped his actions and looked towards the door. He had forgotten to lock it.

“Felix...is that you? Are you okay?”

Felix recognized Changbin’s voice immediately and looked down at his wrist, covered in open cuts and blood. Fuck.

“Uh y-yeah I-I jus-t...don’t...don’t c-come in.” Felix tried to make Changbin think he was actually using the restroom but it was a pretty sore attempt and Felix was aware of that.

Felix was shaking. He stared at all of the blood coming from his arm.

“Felix?” Felix didn’t answer.

“Felix? I’m coming in.” Felix felt his heart drop in his chest as he heard the sound of the knob turning. He couldn’t will himself to look towards the door, not wanting to see Changbin’s reaction.

He heard Changbin step into the room.

“Fuck! Felix!” Changbin immediately dropped to his knees. He moved in and wrapped his arms tightly around Felix. Felix kept crying. He sobbed into Changbin’s shirt, trying to gather enough strength to push him away. He didn’t want to get blood on Changbin’s shirt.

“...Felix...stop. It’s okay. Relax. You’ll be okay. I’m here. Let me hold you.” Changbin spoke frantically as if Felix would be gone before he could finish. Felix could tell Changbin was crying too. He heard it in his voice. And he felt him shaking as he held him. Felix listened to Changbin. He tried his best to relax a bit, but it was impossible right now.

“I’m never letting go, Felix. Fuck. God...please stop doing this to yourself…” Changbin had buried his head into Felix’s shoulder and now Felix felt guilty. He had made him worry again. That must be all he’s good for.

Felix’s intrusive thoughts came to a stop as Changbin held him tighter, comfortingly. Changbin began to stroke Felix’s head, his fingers combing through his hair and Felix felt himself leaning into the touch, looking for more of that warmth and comfort. And all of a sudden, Felix felt secure. He was crying in shaking in Changbin’s arms, who was also crying and shaking. And he had fresh cuts on his arms and snot on his face. But he felt secure. This was what he needed.

“You’ll be okay. I promise.”


	7. Chapter 7

Felix was sitting on Changbin’s bed, waiting for him to come back to the room. He had wrapped Felix’s arms in bandages after the bleeding had mostly stopped, and told him to go to his room to wait for him. Felix had obeyed, not wanting to upset Changbin more, and Changbin went to clean up the blood in the bathroom. And Felix was pretty sure he was going to do something to the razors too. Felix sighed. He was tired. His crying had stopped but his face was still stained with tears. He knew he must look like a wreck. But he honestly couldn’t care less right now. All he wanted was for Changbin to come back. Pathetic, he knows, but he just wants to feel okay right now. And Changbin makes him feel like that.  
Felix was lost in his own thoughts when Changbin finally returned. So, Changbin gently closed his bedroom door, sitting softly beside Felix, who was startled out of his thoughts and turned to look at Changbin. Changbin was smiling lightly at him but he looked incredibly tired. Felix felt guilty for a second before he forced the guilt away.

“...I’m sorry..” Felix spoke so quietly it was almost a whisper. But Changbin heard him.

“It’s okay, Felix. But you can’t do this anymore. I don’t want you to hurt yourself like this. It hurts me when you hurt yourself.” Changbin was stressed. He felt lost, he knew Felix had been off today but he didn’t think he would do something like this. He had also noticed the older cuts on Felix’s arm that he assumed were from the past few months. He’s disappointed he couldn’t realize sooner.

“I know...but it felt like I had to. I just wanted to get away from everything. I just wanted to leave everything behind for a while...but all I did was make you worried...I just don’t want to bother all of you.”

“You don’t bother us, Lix. We care about you. We want to help, you should feel able to come to us. I am anything but upset when you tell me about your problems, and I’m sure everyone else feels the same way. I want to know these things, so that I can help. I just want you to be okay.”

Felix felt warm. He felt safe, and like not so much of a burden. Changbin liked helping him. He wanted to help him.

“You should sleep in here tonight, Felix...I would feel better if I knew you were safe.” Felix felt his heart flutter and he nodded silently. They sat and stared at each other for a minute, taking in the other’s appearance, before Felix laid down in the same place he had the other night.

He felt the weight of the bed shift as Changbin stood, and Felix was going to ask where he was going before he saw Changbin taking off his pajama pants, presumably to change into new ones. And for a second Felix felt guilty, he must’ve gotten blood on them. And then Felix was blushing as he realized he was staring at Changbin’s legs. He quickly turned away and covered his face. He heard Changbin giggle across the room at his reaction.

“Calm down, I’m just changing into new pants, and it’s not like you haven’t seen my thighs before.” Felix thought about it. This was true. They had all had to change together several times, but in this context it made Felix flush. This time they were alone, just the two of them, and Felix was laying in Changbin’s bed waiting for him. Felix had to stop thinking about this situation before something...else...happened.

The weight on the bed returned as Changbin laid down beside Felix, pulling the covers over himself. Changbin wrapped his arms around Felix and squeezed lightly. “Turn around, Lix.” As Changbin spoke, Felix’s thoughts suddenly strayed to Hyunjin. Hyunjin who was in love with Changbin. Hyunjin who would probably hate him if he saw what was happening right now. Hyunjin who definitely deserved this more than Felix did.

“Lix?” Felix felt Changbin squeeze him again and he felt disappointed in himself. He knew Hyunjin should be here, not him. Changbin probably wished Hyunjin was here now, too.

“...Please turn around…” Changbin sounded sad now, and it hit Felix’s heart. He felt like he had to give in. And so, he did. Felix forced himself to turn around slowly, stopping to lay on his side, now facing Changbin.

They gazed at one another. “Thank you.” Changbin was whispering now.

They stared at each other for a while. Each feeling like they were exploring galaxies within each others eyes, not wanting to look away and ruin the precious moment. It was only the two of them, against the world. Together.

Felix felt himself leaning in subconsciously, when Changbin didn’t lean away Felix took that as a good sign. Felix wasn’t quite sure what he was doing right now, but he knew it felt right.

“Changbin…” Felix spoke with the weight of a thousand words, his voice having meaning, and Changbin could tell there was a million things on Felix’s mind. He tried to read the emotions in Felix’s eyes, to no avail.

“I...I just…” Felix was getting closer, was this happening? Changbin shouldn’t get his hopes up. In this moment, Felix looked so amazingly beautiful. He was always beautiful, sure. But right now, Changbin could see the universe through Felix. He saw everything in him, and all of it was beautiful to Changbin. Even the messed up parts. Even the self deprecating, anxiety filled, insecure parts. Because it was all Felix.

Changbin leaned closer, and Felix didn’t lean away. Felix felt his heartbeat panging in his chest. He heard it too, or was that Changbin’s? He couldn’t tell at this point. They were too close. And for but a second, Hyunjin’s face flashed in Felix’s mind again, he pushed it away, not bothering to waste a thought on him right now. This was an important moment, Felix could tell. Something was happening.

“Changbin...I-I-“ Felix stopped as he felt Changbin reach his hand up, bringing it to Felix’s face. He proceeded to cup Felix’s cheek in his hand, running his thumb up and down Felix’s undoubtedly warm freckle filled face.

“You’re so fucking beautiful, Felix.” Changbin spoke seriously, and his words caught Felix off guard, yet he leaned further into Changbin’s hand, looking for that comfort.

“W-What do you mean…” Felix didn’t understand. It was a compliment, at least Felix was pretty sure. But what did Changbin mean by it? Certainly he didn’t like Felix like...that. How could he ever?

“I mean exactly what I said...you’re beautiful. And amazing. You’re a wonderful person, Lee Felix.” The words came confidently from Changbin’s mouth, as if he felt he must say them now.

There was silence as Changbin leaned closer. Felix stayed put. They focused on nothing but each other. Felix couldn’t stop his eyes from flickering away from Changbin’s and down to the older lips. This didn’t go unnoticed by Changbin, who returned the action, looking as if he was contemplating.

“...Felix?” Changbin’s voice had returned to a whisper and he had forced the words from his throat, his confidence from before now gone.

“Yes…?” Felix’s voice sounded just as, if not more, forced than Changbin’s.

“Can I...can I kiss you?” Felix felt Changbin’s breath on his lips as he spoke, leaning yet again impossibly closer. Felix felt his heart beating faster than ever. This was it. The something important.

“...Please, yes.” Felix let his heart take over as he spoke. Knowing he’d regret this later, or not, but going for it anyways.

Changbin ran his hand down Felix’s face, holding his head a little lower than before, and leaned his own face in. Felix felt Changbin’s breath on his face and he flushed a deeper shade of red, the reality of the situation setting it. He felt tingly as he let his eyes flutter shut, knowing Changbin was doing the same.

There was a pause and for a second Felix almost thought he was going to open his eyes and Changbin was going to laugh at him for ever thinking he would want to kiss Felix - and then he felt it.

Soft lips met gently with his own, slightly chapped, ones and began to kiss him. Felix froze. Changbin was kissing him right now. Kissing him.

Felix took a moment before he started to kiss back, his hand finding its way to Changbin’s hair, tangling into the black strands. They kissed gently, held each other softly, as if they were afraid the other would break. Everything felt right.

Changbin pressed harder against Felix’s mouth, changing the speed of the kiss. They were faster now, frantic, but still delicate. And Felix couldn’t help but whimper as he felt Changbin’s tongue brush across his bottom lip. And then Changbin pulled away.

Felix was ready to ask what he’d done wrong and apologize but he saw Changbin breathing hard and realized he was doing the same, he’d just pulled away for air, was Felix’s realization. He felt guilty for a second for thinking bad about himself again, they had just shared an important moment.

“God...Felix, you’re so amazing.” Changbin had caught his breath and moved his hand up to Felix’s forehead, moving a stray piece of hair that had fallen from its place on top of Felix’s head. Felix felt high. In a good way. He felt adrenaline from the kiss and all he wanted was to be close to Changbin right now.

Felix muttered a small “Thank you…”, looking down before Changbin gently pulled his head back up to face him.

“Let’s go to sleep, huh? I’ll hold you. And don’t try to push me away, please, unless you really want to because then you can and I won’t stop you cause I-“ Changbin started rambling, not wanting to do anything to make Felix uncomfortable right now. He was shut up by Felix gripping his shirt and pulling him closer.

“Please, just hold me. I want that right now, Binnie.” Changbin closed his mouth and Felix sent a small smile his way, which Changbin returned.

Changbin leaned down slowly, placing a soft kiss on Felix’s forehead, before pulling back and wrapping his arms tightly around the light haired boy. He pulled Felix into his chest, Felix wrapping his arms around Changbin as well.

“Goodnight, Lix.”

Felix smiled into Changbin’s chest. “Night, Bin.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Felix awoke the next morning to Changbin shaking him gently.

“Felix, wake up, it’s past seven, Chan wants us to gather in the living room.” Changbin spoke to him gently, and Felix realized that he felt cold. He opened his eyes fully to see that Changbin had completely left the bed already and looked dressed and ready for the day. Maybe Felix was a heavy sleeper sometimes.

Changbin smiled at Felix and Felix groaned.

“Cold, Binnie…” The light haired boy reached his arms out towards Changbin, opening and closing his hands to show he wanted him to come back.

Changbin laughed lightly at Felix’s actions, and leant down to half-hug him, “Come on, Lix, we can’t go back to sleep, everyone else is waiting.” Changbin pulled away and ran his fingers through Felix’s messy hair before standing back up straight.

“...Fine...can you go get me a sweater from my room...and some pants, please.” Felix didn’t want to go to his room right now, he couldn’t risk the others seeing his bandaged arms and questioning him.

Changbin turned around and Felix thought he was going to leave him, until he bent over a chair and grabbed a small stack of neatly folded clothes.

“Way ahead of you, I got these from your room earlier, here.” Changbin lightly threw the clothes to Felix, who sat up a second later.

“Thank you, please tell everyone I’ll be out in a minute.” Felix smiled at Changbin, who gave a simple okay and smiled back before leaving the room to join the others, leaving Felix by himself.

Felix sighed before forcing himself off of Changbin’s bed and into a standing position. He looked down at the bandages covering his arms and ran his hands gently over them. This was going to be a long day.

Felix dressed himself, trying his best not to look at his bare body, and looked in Changbin’s mirror when he was done. He was wearing a yellow sweater, dark colored jeans, and white tennis shoes. He ran his hands through his hair, trying to make it look presentable, and finally left Changbin’s room after procrastinating for a minute.

“Oi Felix!” Immediately after walking into the living room, he was greeted by Chan and all eyes turned their attention to him.

“Took you a while, mate. I have something I need to announce so just take a seat somewhere.”

Felix walked over to sit on the floor beside Minho, who patted his back as he sat down.

“Hey Felix, what were you doing in Changbin’s room anyways, did something...happen between you two?” Minho wiggled his eyebrows and smiled cheekily and Felix felt his face flush. He realized everyone was looking at him once again and that Minho had spoken loud enough for the room to hear. Felix looked down at his lap, fiddling with his hands.

“N-No, god, nothing like that, ugh you guys are ridiculous…” There was a light laughter throughout the room and Minho patted Felix’s head and sent a comforting smile his way.

“I was just joking, don’t worry.”

Everyone except one person, Hyunjin, turned their attention away from Felix and instead to Chan. Hyunjin glared at Felix and wrinkled his nose in anger, his eyebrows creasing. Chan caught this, and looked back and forth from Hyunjin to Felix. And finally, he looked at Changbin, who happened to be looking at Felix. Chan sighed, this was a messy situation.

Chan settled himself before speaking, “Okay, everyone, so you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today, and well I have news!” The australian spoke cheerfully, obviously excited about what he had to share, which made everyone else sit in anticipation.

“So...what I’m here to tell you all is, we’re going on a vacation!” Everyone sat up straighter and there was chatter amongst the group members, all of which were clearly curious.

“Where are we going, hyung?” Jeongin asked, a smile plastered on his face.

“We’re actually going to, wait for it, Japan!” Chan looked proudly at the members, who were all lit up and smiling at the news.

“We’re staying for 3 nights, apparently JYP had some stroke of genius and decided we deserved it, it’ll be a great chance to relax. It’s kind of short notice so we’re leaving the day after tomorrow, I advise you all to pack your bags and prepare for the trip!” Chan finished, and he walked over to Jeongin who was beaming at him.

Felix felt conflicted, half of him was happy about Japan, maybe he really could have fun, but the other half was scared. He didn’t usually like going to new places, there were a lot of opportunities to socialize with complete strangers and he didn’t like that. Not to mention he didn’t know much of the language.

Felix stood and watched the members conversing, a few already going to pack.

“Felix, you should go pack.” Changbin came up behind him and put a hand on his back, startling Felix. Changbin began rubbing soft circles on Felix’s back.

Felix took a moment to respond, taking in the feeling of Changbin’s comforting action. “Yeah, well, you probably should too. Felix moved himself away from Changbin’s hand, and a look of disappointment crossed Changbin’s face for a second before he lit up again as Felix grasped his hand in his own. Felix rubbed his thumb across Changbin’s hand and smiled at him, seeing Changbin’s face go red at the action.

“Y-Yeah, I’ll go do that now.” Changbin stuttered as he spoke quickly. A smile crossed the older’s face and he looked at Felix caringly “I’ll see you later, Lix.”

Changbin hesitantly removed his hand from Felix’s and walked off to his room, leaving Felix to watch him go fondly. He sighed. Maybe this was it. He could be happy.

Hyunjin scoffed as he watched Felix daydream, and he made a decision. He stood for a second longer before marching over to Felix, footsteps heavy. Hyunjin shoved his hand out and harshly grabbed Felix by the arm, causing Felix to yelp at a surprisingly loud volume and turn around immediately.

“Fuck, god that hurt.” Felix grasped his left forearm in his right hand, teeth clenched together as Hyunjin looked at him startled before his face shifted into annoyance.

“God, stop being so dramatic. I didn’t even grab you hard.” Hyunjin rolled his eyes as Felix kept his arm in his grip, pain still very present from the harsh pressure applied to the still-new cuts.

Felix looked up from his arm and slightly glared at Hyunjin, angry at the older. “What do you want.” Felix’s voice was deep and he was clearly unhappy with this situation.

“I just wanted to talk to you. And Felix, you aren’t catching feelings for Changbin or anything right?” A small laugh escaped Hyunjin as he asked the question and Felix felt his face flush.

“N-No, what kind of question is that? I-I’m not...I’m not gay.” Felix felt tears prickling the corners of his eyes, the stress of the position he was in getting to him. Hyunjin looked Felix up and down slightly and smiled fakely at him.

“Good, because, you know he would never like you right…? Not to be rude...you’re just...not that attractive.” Hyunjin wrinkled his nose, his smile disappearing and being replaced with a frown. “And he certainly wouldn’t like you over someone like me, either. Honestly no one would.” Hyunjin tore into Felix and the light haired boy’s heart felt heavy, a knot forming in his throat as he tried to hold back his tears.

Felix looked down at the ground in shame and his attempt at holding himself together failed as he felt a tear slip down his cheek.

“Uh...y-yes...I-I-“ Felix’s strained voice was cut off by a third voice joining the conversation.

“What the fuck, Hyunjin? What did you do, get away from him!” Felix looked up to see Chan, Changbin, and Seungmin enter the room, the oldest of the three stepping between them and facing Hyunjin.

Hyunjin’s eyes went wide as his eyes darted around the room, landing first on Seungmin who looked at him solemnly and then to Changbin who looked worried as he stepped over to comfort Felix. Hyunjin began to shake.

“Hyunjin? Hello? What did you say to him! He’s crying, Hyunjin!” Chan snapped at him and Hyunjin was brought back to the moment, looking Chan into Chan’s equally angry and disappointed eyes.

Felix blocked out their conversation, feeling himself shake harder and more tears beginning to fall down his face, he put his face in his hands.

There was warmth as Felix felt whom he assumed was Changbin wrap his arms around him and bury his face into his shoulder, but he just stood, the panic not going away yet.

“Are you okay, what did he do?” Changbin’s voice was soft and Felix could feel himself trying to calm down as Changbin talked to him, shaking in the shorter boy’s arms.

Felix couldn’t do this. He couldn’t do this. He hated this situation. Here he was with Changbin, Hyunjin, Chan, and Seungmin all together and he did not want to do this.

“I-I’m s-sorry.”

Felix pushed Changbin away from him and walked briskly to his room, leaving the situation behind him, completely unprepared to talk about this. He knew Chan or Changbin, one of them, was bound to come into his room soon. He could only hope it was Chan because he absolutely did not want to explain the situation to Changbin. And anyways, Hyunjin was right. Felix knew he was. All he did was tell Felix the same things he had been thinking to himself this entire time. God, this was too much. And it was only 10 in the morning.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> basically angry binnie + also seungjin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lots of talking in this chapter oops

His heart was pounding. Felix sat stressed on his bed, waiting for someone, Chan or Changbin, to inevitably enter his room. This was absolutely not a good situation. And Felix could still feel a slight sting in his arm where Hyunjin had grabbed him. The room was silent and he could only slightly hear words coming from the living room where he assumed the three other boys still were. He waited. And eventually, he heard stomping down the hall which he assumed was Hyunjin before hearing a door slam, making him jump a little. That must’ve gone well. Someone would be at his door any minute now-

Felix was pulled from his mind as he heard the anticipated knock at his door. He tensed up yet again before forcing himself not to look so stiff and he spoke up. “Who is it?”

“It’s Seungmin, can I come in please?” Felix felt his eyebrows crease. Seungmin? He thought for sure that Chan or Changbin would be at his door but it was Seungmin? Felix put down his confusion and decided he should just let the younger boy in.

“Yeah, um, sure, come on in.” the doorknob twisted before the door opened, revealing that it was indeed Seungmin outside his room. The younger walked in quickly before closing the door behind him, turning to face Felix before making his way over to the bed and having a seat beside him.

There was an awkward silence between the two as they waited to see who would talk first. Felix and Seungmin weren’t the closest ones in the group, so they had never talked a whole lot one on one, and they didn’t know how to start.

“Uh...so, what do you need?” Felix was the first one to speak up, patting Seungmin softly on the shoulder, encouraging him to join the conversation.

“I want to talk about...about Hyunjin.” Seungmin looked Felix in the eyes, nervously.

“Okay...what about him?” Felix could tell this was going to take a little time, Seungmin looked worried and nervous and Felix was well aware that that wasn't good for talking.

Seungmin took a deep breath before continuing. “Well...is something wrong with him? He’s acting weird and...and he wouldn’t tell us what he said to you.”

Felix blinked at Seungmin. So Hyunjin hadn’t told them. At least there was that, but Seungmin seemed worried for Hyunjin and Felix couldn’t help but feel bad for Min.

Felix chose his next words carefully. “Well, no, nothing is wrong with him per say...he just...had some realization recently. That’s probably why he’s off.” Felix tried to play it off as no big deal but he saw Seungmin’s eyes drop, as if he was almost expecting an answer like that.

Seungmin took in a shaky breath, closing his eyes for a second, and when he opened them they were glossy. He looked like he wanted to ask something but he couldn’t get the words out. Felix put a comforting hand on Seungmin’s back, trying to get him to talk or cry or something to tell Felix what was wrong.

“It…” Seungmin hesitated for a second “It’s Changbin...isn’t it?” Seungmin looked Felix in the eyes, he looked like he already knew the answer. His eyes held sadness.

Felix’s eyebrows creased into worry as he looked back at Seungmin. So he figured it out. “Yes...Hyunjin told me that he...he’s in love with Changbin.” There was a tension in the air as Felix saw Seungmin’s face drop even further, if possible, and he started shaking a bit.

“I-god, Felix, I just-” Tears began falling down Seungmin’s face as he tried to talk to Felix, voice strained. Felix's eyes widened as the tears fell, and he reached over to pull Seungmin into a soft hug, resting Seungmin’s head on his shoulder and rubbing circles on his back.

Felix hushed him gently as he cried harder, dampening Felix’s sweater, but Felix didn’t mind. “Seungminnie, what’s wrong? What happened?” Felix spoke as calmly as he could but he was worried about the younger so it was a little difficult

“I-ugh, Felix, I-I love him so m-much...H-Hyunjin. He’s so amazing. I-I love him, Felix.” Immediately, Felix hugged Seungmin tighter, moving a hand to rub his head comfortingly. This wasn’t good. Felix felt terrible for Seungmin. He knew how he felt, and it must be incredibly hard for him with how Hyunjin has been acting lately.

“Oh my gosh, Seungmin...I’m so sorry.” Felix sounded genuine and he pulled away slightly to look Seungmin in the eyes. “He’s such an idiot, Minnie, don’t worry, I’m sure all of this mess will pass, everything will be okay.” Seungmin sniffled and nodded at Felix, doubt clouding his mind nonetheless.

Seunngmin looked deep in thought for a moment before hesitantly speaking “Felix…” Seungmin pulled further away from Felix so he was able to properly look at him. Felix looked depressed.

“Yes, Min?” Felix smiled at him softly, but there was no happiness in his eyes.

“Are you...are you in love with Changbin?” Seungmin spoke quietly, gripping Felix’s hand in his own tightly as he waited for a response.

Felix’s breath hitched in his throat. He was stunned. He felt Seungmin’s hand squeeze his own to bring him back, trying to make him answer. And it must’ve worked because Felix began speaking then. “I-uh…” Felix took a shaky breath “...yes, yes. I’m in love with Changbin.” This was Felix’s first time saying it out loud with certainty. This made it real. This made it complicated.

Seungmin frowned at him, trying to give him a comforting look. He wanted to lighten the mood but it was kind of hard. “Well, haha...our luck right.” Seungmin smiled softly at Felix and Felix did his best to smile back, realizing the younger's effort to fix the mood.

“Yeah...it’s a messy situation. Hyunjin and I love Changbin, and you love Hyunjin. Yet Changbin...well...I don’t know what Changbin thinks honestly…” Felix’s face fell for a second before he smiled again “We’re all idiots, aren’t we?” he laughed softly and Seungmin laughed with him, lightly punching his shoulder.

“Yeah, I just hope everything turns out okay for everyone...no matter how things end up, y’know?” Seungmin said and Felix nodded, agreeing with the other boy. He just wanted everyone to be happy. Even if Hyunjin hated him right now, and even if Changbin didn’t love Felix back, he wanted them to be happy. All of them. All eight members of Stray Kids. Himself included. Happy, and secure.

Some time passed before either of them said anything again. “Seungmin, you should go pack. And try to calm down a bit, I know it’s hard, trust me, but it’s not fun being mopey all the time, okay? Felix smiled and ruffled Seungmin’s hair, who smiled back at him and nodded.

“Yeah, I will. You should too, hyung.” Seungmin sighed and stood up, brushing himself off and running his hand over his face to make sure that his face was dry. He walked over to the door and opened it, looking back at Felix and offering a meek wave, which Felix returned, before leaving the room and closing the door quietly behind him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Felix waited a while, sitting around lazily and procrastinating, before actually getting up to pack for their trip.

It didn’t take long, all he packed were necessities first, a few outfits and pajamas, swim trunks just incase, and toiletries. He could put other things in later, but he was bored out of his mind right now.

Felix groaned, falling backwards onto the floor dramatically. He reached at his side and grabbed his phone from the floor, holding it up to his face and pressing the home button. The screen lit up and Felix checked the time to see it was only 12 in the afternoon. Felix groaned again, even louder, and dropped his phone back onto the ground, mulling in his mind about what he could do to entertain himself. His stomach growled suddenly, reminding him that he hadn’t eaten recently, and he sat up. He should get food. That was a good idea.

He forced himself up, and to his door, opening it and then closing as he left the room. Now that he had thought about his hunger, it was affecting him. He felt so empty that pain was beginning to form in his stomach, causing him to walk slower as every step sent a sharp pain in his abdomen. Felix whined. He stopped for a second in the hallway, moving his hand down to pat his stomach, feeling that it’s a little bit flatter than usual. He felt kind of happy at that, and continued to walk to the kitchen.

As Felix arrived in the kitchen, he realized he wasn’t alone. Also in the kitchen, was Changbin. He was leaning against the counter, a bottle of water lifted to his mouth. Felix stared at him for a second, just taking in his presence. Felix coughed to alert the other of his presence, and Changbin brought the bottle down, turning to see who had entered, and placing the bottle down frantically when he saw Felix. Changbin stepped over to Felix, reaching out to grip the younger’s hands in his own.

“Oh my gosh, Felix, are you okay? Hyunjin wouldn’t tell us what happened. I wanted to check on you but Chan said you probably wanted to be alone…what did Hyunjin do?” Felix found himself smiling at Changbin’s frantic words, squeezing his hands to hint that he was fine.

“I’m okay, thank you for being concerned though...actually I came in here to eat so if you could-“ Changbin let go of Felix’s hands and he gasped.

“Oh I’m sorry! Here, please eat enough, you really need to eat, sorry.” Changbin cleared the way for Felix quickly, he looked happy that Felix was going to be eating and Lix couldn’t help but laugh at Changbin’s actions, which made said black-haired boy flush a deep red.

“Sorry...I’m just worried about you.” Changbin rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly, smiling at Felix and happy that he made him laugh.

“It’s okay Bin, I think it was cute.” Felix smiled back and walked past Changbin, making his way to the fridge and leaving Changbin even more red faced.

Changbin was right. Felix did need to eat and he knew that. He also knew that he was fat though, so he really just needed to eat enough to keep him going. He still needed to lose a lot of weight, maybe then stays would like him better. Maybe Changbin would even like him better.

He opened the fridge, scanning the items before grabbing a pack of deli turkey and a slice of cheese to make a sandwich. He closed the fridge and put the items on the table, going to get the bread before returning to make the sandwich. Changbin watched him, he wanted to make sure he would eat it all, he didn’t want to have to worry so much - he wanted Felix to realize that his body was perfect and that he in no way needed to change it, but that would take a while. Changbin knew that.

Felix ate slowly, almost hesitantly, and waited a bit between bites. He was scrolling on his phone all the while, looking through news and whatnot, all boring stuff he didn’t truly care about. He just didn’t want to sit doing nothing while he ate, and he knew Changbin was watching him so that would make the situation even more awkward.

Eventually, Felix did finish eating and he put his plate in the sink, walking over to Changbin who was staring off in thought. Felix poked him in the side and Changbin jumped, startled, before realizing it was just Felix.

“Are you okay? You look kind of zoned out.” He put his hand on Changbin’s shoulder. “What’re you thinking?”

Changbin placed his hand on his shoulder atop Felix’s and looked him in the eyes. “I was just thinking about Hyunjin…” Felix felt his heart pang in his chest as he tensed up. Oh.

Changbin sensed Felix’s sudden discomfort and decided to clarify, “I was thinking about how he’s been acting lately, something’s off with him. Do you know what’s happening at all? Also, do you think you would be okay telling me what happened earlier?” Felix felt himself release a breath he didn’t know he was holding. Okay, so he was just wondering what was wrong with him, that was fine. But lord, there was no way Felix could just tell him, like, ‘oh yeah he told me he was in love with you haha’, so what should he say? And he also definitely could not tell him what Hyunjin had done earlier, at least not all of it.

Felix had to think for a moment before answering Changbin. “Uh, yeah he is acting different. I think it’s because of this thing he realized recently, I, uh, can’t tell you though, it’s a secret…”

Changbin tilted his head, a secret? The members rarely kept secrets from each other, unless it was Felix’s case of course, what could be that serious? Why did Hyunjin tell Felix?

“Okay...well then you don’t have to tell me. But, what about earlier, what happened?”

Then, before Felix could speak, someone else entered the room. Both boys turned to look as they saw Jisung enter the kitchen, shooting them a confused look before shrugging and going to the fridge. Oops, Felix had forgotten they were talking in the middle of the kitchen. Well. They could just go to the living room then.

Felix looked back at Changbin, grabbing his hand to lead him away from the kitchen. “Let’s talk somewhere else.”

“Bye lovebirds!” Jisung shouted at them as they left the kitchen, before turning back to the fridge.

Felix’s face went red as Changbin’s did the same. Felix spoke quietly, “dumbass…” Changbin laughed at that and Felix began walking again, leading them to the couch in the living room.

Once they had sat comfortably, against each other, Changbin spoke, “So, can you tell me what happened with Hyunjin? You don’t have to tell me everything of course, I’m just worried.”

Yikes. Changbin was not going to be happy with Hyunjin after this conversation. He had to tell him though, Felix knew it was the right thing to do.

“Well, all of you guys had gone to pack, so it was just Hyunjin and I,” Changbin nodded “I was going to go pack but before I could leave, Hyunjin grabbed my forearm and yanked it to turn me around.” Changbin felt his fists clench. “So...obviously it hurt really fucking bad because, you know...and he said I was being dramatic when I cursed, which I understand, I mean, he doesn’t know…”

Changbin was angry. “Just because he doesn’t know doesn’t give him an excuse to grab you like that! What happened after that, what did he say to you?” Changbin was all but shouting and it kind of scared Felix, he knew he’d be mad at Hyunjin, but still.

Felix ran his hand nervously over his forearm. “I, um, I really don’t feel comfortable telling you all of what he said…but I can tell you a little.” Felix leaned further into Changbin, and Changbin pulled him closer, wrapping an arm around him.

“It’s okay, just tell me whatever you are comfortable with, you don’t have to tell me any of it if you don’t want to. And, I’m sorry for shouting.” Changbin had noticed Felix had gotten more nervous, and he felt kind of guilty. But he just couldn’t believe that Hyunjin could be so rude, it made him very upset and he was sure Felix had realized that.

“No, I need to tell you about this, at least a little. It’s better than keeping it inside after all.” Felix took a breath before continuing. “Basically, he called me unattractive, which isn’t a big deal, of course, it’s not like he was wrong…” Changbin tensed up, and he pulled away from Felix a little.

“What the hell, why would he even say that? And no, you are so beautiful, don’t put yourself down like that!” Changbin was angry again, he wanted to march into Hyunjin’s room right now and give him a piece of his mind. The only thing stopping him from doing that is that Felix looked like he wasn’t done, so he turned his attention back to the younger and tried to calm down, which didn’t work very well.

“Calm down, I don’t blame him for thinking that...I really can’t see myself as attractive. He said other things too though, but are you sure you want to hear them? You might just be more upset afterwards…” Felix put his hand in Changbins, stroking his hand comfortingly to try and get him to calm down, it didn’t work though, he must be more angry than Felix thought.

“No, please, tell me. I know it’s best for you to tell me even if I’ll be upset, you shouldn’t keep it to yourself if it’s something you feel comfortable telling me.” Felix nodded and continued talking,

“In that case, I’ll continue. Well...he basically said that, um, no one would ever want me if-if they could have someone like him…” Felix felt Changbin tense up again, even more than before, and he moved away from him completely.

“What the fuck! That’s so stupid! God, why is he being such a dick? Fuck. I need to talk to him.” Changbin stood suddenly and Felix jumped up, grabbing him by the arm and pulling to try and get him to sit back down.

“Binnie no, don’t do anything, just come sit and calm down.” Felix was frantic but Changbin kept walking.

“No, he needs to know that he can’t talk to you like that, you can’t just let people treat you like trash, Felix. You’re a human being, you deserve respect and Hyunjin is certainly not giving you that.” Changbin walked out of the living room and into the hall, making his way to Hyunjin’s room. Felix followed nervously as he knew he couldn’t stop Changbin. He also knew Changbin was right, he shouldn’t let people treat him badly, but he knew he was too much of a coward to stand up to anyone.

The two boys reached Hyunjin’s room and Changbin didn’t waste a second in knocking harshly on the door, being met with a startled, “Who is it?”

“Open the door, Hyunjin.” Changbin spoke loudly, the negative emotions clear in his voice. It was a few seconds before Hyunjin actually unlocked and opened the door, as he was scared at the tone of voice Changbin was using.

As soon as the door was opened, Changbin opened his mouth to yell at Hyunjin. “Hyunjin, what the fuck!” Hyunjin felt himself shrink back in fear. Felix grabbed Changbin’s arm.

“Binnie, please stop, you’re going to make him cry…” Felix tried pulling Changbin away again, to no avail, and Changbin just pushed him away.

“Good, he needs to, he made you cry and treated you like shit so why shouldn’t he get the same?” Hyunjin’s eyes widened and he took a nervous step towards Changbin.

“Binnie...please calm down, do you want to come talk?” Hyunjin spoke sofly, reaching out to touch Changbin’s arm only to have his hand swatted away by the older.

“Talk? With you? After what you said to Felix? No, I just want you to realize how badly you’ve treated him and apologize.”

By now, all of the other members had gathered in the hallway to check out the commotion, Chan being the one to walk towards Changbin and Felix.

“What’s happening out here, Changbin, why are you shouting at Hyunjin? What happened?” The aussie questioned him, looking between all three of the boys in the middle of the commotion.

Changbin turned back towards Hyunjin, who was hanging his head down, and pointe at him sharply “This dumbass called Felix unattractive, he said no one would ever want him!” Changbin clenched his teeth and Hyunjin looked up at him to speak.

Hyunjin was frustrated and now also angry, he spoke frantically without thinking.“Well you can’t really say I’m wrong...can you? Look at him, he’s fat and he has tons of ugly freckles, I don’t know why anyone would want to be with him!” Hyunjin’s face was red as he shouted towards Changbin, gesturing towards Felix to make his point.

Everyone was in a stunned silence. Hyunjin looked around the hall, trying to see if anyone would stand up for him. Seungmin! Seungmin would surely stand up for him, they were best friends! He turned to Seungmin and looked him directly in the eyes. Seungmin shook his head at him and looked at him disappointedly. There was silence amongst the members before Felix finally spoke up.

“Changbin…let’s just go. This...this isn’t worth it…” Felix spoke quietly and tugged on Changbin’s arm, the older having calmed down a bit now. He looked towards Felix and nodded slowly, finally letting him tug him towards the living room. The rest of the members slowly left the hallway, trying to go back to their activities after the tense situation they had just seen unfold. Eventually, all had left but Seungmin and Hyunjin.

Seungmin walked slowly to Hyunjin, looking at him with a mix of emotions that Hyunjin couldn’t quite decipher. Seungmin sighed, placing his hand on Hyunjin’s shoulder.

“Jinnie...what’s up with you...why are you acting so aggressive? Can’t you try to calm down, it’s not okay for you to be so vicious to Felix like that...I miss you.” Hyunjin looked down at Seungmin, placing his hand on top of the youngers and grasping it tightly. He didn’t want Seungmin to leave, he was all he had right now.

“I...I don’t know...I’m sorry Min.” Hyunjin spoke quietly, feeling guilty for making Seungmin miss him, he knows he hadn’t been the same recently. But he really felt like he was in love with Changbin. And Felix felt like a threat.

Seungmin smiled sadly at him. “Maybe we can talk? We haven’t spent much time together lately. We don’t have to talk about this if you don’t want, just anything…” Seungmin sounded tired. Squeezing Seungmin’s hand, Hyunjin responded.

“Yeah, sure. I need that.” The boys looked at each other for a moment before both walking into Hyunjin’s room, hours of catching up awaiting them.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kinda short ;-;

Today was Thursday and all eight members of Stray Kids were gathered outside of an airport in Seoul, near their plane, patiently waiting to board their flight to Tokyo. Since Tuesday, Changbin and the other members had been sure to keep Hyunjin away from Felix. It was a subconscious thing and it meant a lot to Felix. Granted, Hyunjin hadn’t tried to approach him since that day, either. He hadn't talked much to anyone except Seungmin, really. He had tried to approach Changbin multiple times, though, but the older had just ignored him every time. Honestly, Felix felt guilty. Maybe Hyunjin didn’t deserve this. It wasn’t his fault he had fallen in love with Changbin, and Felix didn’t blame him either, of course. Changbin was amazing. And Felix couldn’t help but feel guilt everytime Changbin pushed Hyunjin away and he had to see that look of disappointment, hopelessness, cross Jinnie’s face. Felix knew what it was like to feel hopeless. And he didn’t want anyone else feeling that way, not even Hyunjin. No matter how much of a dick he had been.

As the members got the heads up that everything was ready, they gathered their luggage and hauled it towards the plane. It took a few minutes to get everyone settled with all of their luggage put up. And it took even more time to find a place to put all of Jisungs luggage, he had brought way too much even though Chan insisted he wouldn’t need it for the three night trip. But, eventually, everything was set and they were prepared to leave.

“Felix, come sit next to me!” Chan was waving him over, beckoning him to sit in the window seat beside him. Felix looked around, searching for Changbin and finding him already sitting in a window seat with Hyunjin next to him, Seungmin sat in the seat across from them, looking concerned. Felix sighed.

“Yeah sure.” Felix pushed past Chan who was already sitting in the seat by the aisle. Felix pursed his lips slightly, his eyebrows creasing as well, as he thought about Changbin. Felix was stressed out, no different than usual. He only hoped he could catch a break from it on this trip.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The flight was only supposed to be around 2 and a half hours, right now they were one hour in and Felix was kind of uncomfortable. No one had bothered to go to sleep with the flight not being long anyways, there was a little chatter here and there but most people were just on their phones. Felix was trying to relax, but he felt confined, and these seats weren’t the most comfortable. He shifted around uncomfortably, and Chan noticed his discomfort.

“Felix, do you want to switch seats? If you’re by the aisle you won’t feel so stuffy.” Chan spoke quietly and Felix immediately nodded at gratefully,

“Yes, please.”

The aussies shuffled around, Lix standing and walking into the aisle so that Chan could move over to his old seat, and then he re-sat himself down where the older had been. They drew some attention from other members but only for a second before everyone went back to their things.

Felix settled and tried once again to relax, and then he felt his phone vibrate at his side. He pulled his phone out and checked the notification, it was a text. A text from none other than Seo Changbin.

Binnie: Is everything okay?

Felix stared at his phone before looking up to see Changbin looking back at him, Hyunjin also turned around to look at him before looking away.

Felix looked down and texted a reply to Changbin.

Felix: Yeah it’s all good, I just felt cramped so I moved to the aisle seat.

Binnie: Okay that’s good, I was just checking

Felix sighed and put his phone down, not having a second to relax before he felt himself get another notification, he frustratedly picked up his phone again, now seeing a text from Hyunjin.

Jinnie: What were you texting Changbin about?

Felix rolled his eyes slightly before replying.

Felix: He was just asking why I moved seats, not a big deal Hyunjin.

Jinnie: Wow it’s almost like he actually cares about you.

Felix: Okay

Jinnie: Wow, just an okay? That’s sad. 

Jinnie: Must be hard being someone like you, you know. Someone pathetic?

Felix ignored Hyunjin’s texts, his breathing a little uneven but he tried not to react.

Jinnie: Hello? 

Jinnie: Haha, ignoring me? Didn’t think you could possibly get lower. Guess I was wrong

Hyunjin was looking down at his phone angrily, he was upset that Felix wasn’t answering, he wanted a reaction of some sort but this was aggravating.

Jinnie: Well, whatever.  
Message not delivered

This number has blocked you.

Hyunjin scowled at his phone, and Felix felt accomplished. Now, he could finally calm down for the rest of the flight.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In another hour and forty minutes, the plane had landed and the eight boys had managed to leave the airport after retrieving their luggage, they were now in a rental car being driven to their hotel.

“Channie hyung who’s rooming with who?” Jeongin perked up from the back, and Felix realized that that was a good question. They were never told the sleeping arrangements.

“Well, I don’t think it matters much, there are no room assignments since this is a vacation. But, since there are eight of us we get three rooms. We can do 3, 3, and 2, but we don’t have to. There’s two beds in each room so there’s enough space for everyone.”

Felix was happy to hear this, that means he probably wouldn’t have to room with Hyunjin, if anyone could stop it, Hyunjin wouldn’t come near him on this trip unless he wanted him to. He wanted to room with Chan and Changbin of course, but he didn’t know if they wanted to room with him so he’d just let them decide first.

“I wanna room with Minho!” Jisung blurted out loudly, jumping slightly and Minho rubbed his back and laughed at him.

“Of course, baby. It’ll be fun.” Minho smiled and Jisung blushed, leaning in further to him.

Chan groaned before speaking. “Oh lord I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I’ll take one for the team and room with them.” Changbin pat Chan on the shoulder and wished him luck.

“Well, I wanna room with Hyunjin.” Seungmin spoke quietly, tugging on Hyunjin’s shirt and the older looked down at him.

“Sorry, but I’m gonna room with Changbin.” Seungmin felt himself slump down, trying to hide himself in his hoodie.

“Oh...that’s fine I just-”

“Hold on I never said I’d go with you! I actually want to room with Felix.” Changbin half shouted at Hyunjin, who only smiled softly at him.

“I don’t see why we can’t all room together? Me, you, and Felix. Seungmin and Jeongin can also room together. Is that fine with everyone?”

Felix looked down and nodded hesitantly, Changbin looked at Felix and then turned back to Hyunjin.

“I guess if Felix is okay with it…what about you guys, Seungmin, Jeongin?”

Jeongin smiled wide at Changbin “Actually I wanted to room with Minnie so it’s fine with me!”

Seungmin smiled at Jeongin, glad that he wasn’t disappointed “We’ll have fun Innie!” Jeongin nodded and bounced in his seat slightly. Cute.

Changbin sighed defeatedly and Felix looked at him.

This could be worse, right? Sure it could be much better, but it could definitely be worse. This trip wasn’t ruined for Felix yet and he was going to try hard to keep it that way.


	10. Chapter 10

“Alright well, Seungmin, and I are gonna go shopping, do any of you guys want to come?” Chan questioned the other six members of his group.

Currently, they were in the lobby of the hotel they’d be staying in, figuring out what they wanted to do first. It was 5pm and everyone was itching to get out and go something.

“Actually Jisung and I are going to check out the pool.” Minho gestured to the younger and Chan nodded.

“What about you guys? Changbin, Jeongin, Felix, Hyunjin?”

“I wanna go swimming too!” The youngest of the group bounced with excitement.

“Yeah I think I’m also up for swimming. Felix, Hyunjin, wanna join?” Changbin questioned the last two boys, particularly Felix.

Felix was going to accept, he actually wanted to enjoy this trip and he had even packed swim trunks, but he was reminded suddenly of the bandages concealing the cuts on his arms and decided against it. He rubbed his arm slightly.

“Ah...no, I think I just wanna go to the room and relax…” Felix looked Changbin in the eyes and glanced quickly down at his arms, Changbin’s mouth making a small “O” as he nodded in realization.

“Yeah I wanna go to the room too.” Hyunjin spoke up and Changbin looked at him, squinting his eyes.

Felix swallowed his nerves. “Yeah, so Hyunjin and I will just go unpack.” Felix offered a weak smile to Changbin who didn’t accept immediately.

“Felix, are you sure?” Changbin asked seriously. “You could always just hang out by the pool, you don’t have to swim.” Changbin really didn’t want to leave Hyunjin alone with Felix. “Or I could go up with you, I could honestly just swim later.”

Felix shook his head, declining Changbin’s offers. “No, it’s alright. You go have fun, I really just want to be in the room for a little while.” Changbin looked at Felix and bit his lip before sighing in defeat and speaking.

“Okay...whatever you want.” Changbin returned the smile Felix gave him earlier, ending the conversation. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Soon, everyone had gotten ready and gone their separate ways, leaving Felix and Hyunjin alone in their hotel room. Felix nervous, and Hyunjin, well, Felix didn’t know how Hyunjin felt.

“So.” Was the first thing Hyunjin said to him after finishing unpacking his stuff, flopping down on what Felix had claimed as his bed and making Felix flinch reflectively.

Felix looked down at Hyunjin, who was looking up at him.

“So?”

“So you like Changbin right? I mean, I assume.”

Felix creased his brows, is this really what Hyunjin wanted to do right now?

“...Not right now Hyunjin, please.” Felix didn’t want to deal with this, not while they were on vacation and he finally had a way to catch a break from all the stress he’d built up these past few months. Could Hyunjin not respect that? Did he not also want a break?

“What? I’m just asking, I mean, I already know but I just wanted to be respectful and ask anyways. But whatever, it’s not like it matters. Like I said before, he wouldn’t like you anyways. You’re pathetic Felix. I don’t know why anyone even care-“

“Stop.” Felix was shaking. Felix was angry, he was upset, he felt betrayed that someone he once thought cared about him could be so cold and heartless towards him. He hated this.

Hyunjin looked at Felix in surprise as if he hadn’t expected him to actually say anything. “What?”

Felix was silent for a second. “...I said...stop. Please. God. I already know I’m pathetic. I know everyone hates me, you think I don’t? I know how fucking ugly and fat and useless I am, I’m a burden. You don’t have to tell me. I hate myself enough, I already want to fucking kill myself enough, please stop.” Felix shook as he spoke, tears already falling.

“Oh.” Hyunjin was dumbfounded. He didn’t expect Felix to shut him down like that. And he especially didn’t expect him to pour his depression out to him. Well. What was Hyunjin supposed to say now?

Hyunjin felt awkward, he tried laughing nervously and hesitantly spoke. “Well...at least you’re aware of it haha, guess that just makes you even more pathet-“

A slap resonated throughout the room. Hyunjin gripped his face in shock, his mouth dropping open. Felix had slapped him.

“What the hell!” Hyunjin’s face morphed into anger and Felix stood up, grabbing his phone.

“I told you to stop, I don’t want to fucking kill myself on this trip, all I want is time away from my stress to get myself together before I have to go back to everything, back to my anxiety and depression and self hatred. All I want is to get away! I want to get away forever! I want to die Hyunjin! What don’t you understand? Fucking hell it’s like you’re trying to make me kill myself!” Felix screamed at Hyunjin, more tears falling down his face as he rushed to the bathroom on the far side of their room, locking it and leaving Hyunjin speechless.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Felix didn’t come out of the bathroom until he had to, which was when Changbin got back an hour later, it now being 7:30 pm. Changbin had walked into the room to a locked bathroom door, and Hyunjin sitting on a bed looking nervous and guilty. Changbin was immediately worried.

“Hyunjin...where’s Felix?” Changbin questioned. Hyunjin fiddled with his hands nervously and smiled before speaking.

“Uh, he’s in the bathroom.” He said it as if nothing was wrong and Changbin turned to look at the bathroom door.

“And how long has he been in there?” Changbin spoke up again, speaking slowly and in a way that Hyunjin found threatening.

“Um...about...an hour?”

“A fucking hour?” Changbin looked at Hyunjin like he was a dumbass and rushed over to the bathroom door. “Why the fuck didn’t you check on him?”

Changbin knocked on the door harshly. “Felix? Felix open the door” Hyunjin had stood and walked a little closer to the bathroom door where Changbin was standing. Both boys waited with anticipation for a response, but there was none.

“Felix? Felix please, are you okay?” Changbin knocked harder, his breathing becoming stressed as he pleaded with Felix to open the door. To say something. Anything that would tell Changbin he was okay.

More silence.

“..maybe he-“

“You shut up. You have no right to speak for him and I suspect you’re probably the reason he’s in there in the first place.” Changbin glared at Hyunjin. “Am I wrong?” Hyunjin gulped, looking down at his hands as he took a step back. “Thought so.”

Changbin was getting really worried at this point. “Please Felix just say something I need to know that you’re okay.” He ran his hands through his hair, the distress clear in his voice.

Changbin was about to knock again but he heard a soft noise come from the other side of the door. “Felix?” Changbin put his ear to the door, trying to hear as best as he could. “Are you alright?”

“...I...yes, I’m alright.” Changbin felt himself release a huge sigh of relief, his shoulders relaxing ever so slightly.

“Good, good, that’s good. Could you...could you unlock the door?” Changbin spoke slowly, not wanting Felix to feel pressure to let him in.

Once again, there was silence for a second before it was followed by the sound of a soft click and Changbin let out another sigh.

“Can I come in?”

“Uh...yes.” Felix spoke hesitantly.

Hyunjin began to walk towards the door too but Changbin stopped him and shooed him away. “You definitely do not need to be in there. Get away.” The younger complied, silently moving to sit on his temporary bed.

Changbin opened the door gently, revealing Felix. Felix sat on the floor, his freckled cheeks stained with tears. Some of the drawers in the bathroom open, things strewn about the room after being thrown out of them by Felix. The light haired boy sat with his knees to his chest, his sleeves rolled up to reveal he had ripped off his bandages, but his cuts weren’t bleeding and there were no new ones, which Changbin was relieved to see.

Changbin shut the bathroom door behind him, walking over to Felix and sitting down beside him, reaching for his hand almost instantly, which Felix accepted and they sat like that. Holding hands. After some time, Felix sighed.

“I’m sorry.” Felix squeezed Changbin’s hand as he spoke to the older.

“Sorry for what, Lix? You didn’t do anything wrong.” Changbin spoke comfortingly, feeling Felix lean his head on his shoulder hesitantly and he reached up to stroke Felix’s hair reassuringly.

“I-I was going to do it again. I was going to hurt myself. But I couldn’t find anything to do it with...I was going to let you down. I’m sorry.” 

Changbin pulled Felix completely against him, hugging him tightly. “Fuck, Felix. It’s okay. It’s okay. I’m just glad you didn’t do it. Please try not to think of doing things like that, I don’t want you to be in pain. I don’t like seeing you like this.” His grip on Felix tightened more as he heard Felix sniffle.

“...I’m tired.”

“Okay. Come on,” Changbin pulled away, standing up and reaching down to help Felix up.”Let’s go to sleep.”

They walked back into the main part of the room, finding Hyunjin laying down and avoiding eye contact with either of them, turning away to face the wall beside his bed. Felix held onto Changbin’s hand tightly as they walked to the other bed together.

They got situated, Changbin turning off the lights, and then getting comfortable next to Felix.

“Goodnight Lix.”

“Night Bin.”

The two moved around a little bit, not finding a position that they felt comfortable, before Felix moved closer to Changbin. He tugged on Changbin’s shirt to get his attention, the older looking down at him curiously.

“What?”

Felix flushed and pushed himself into Changbin’s chest, startling Changbin for a second before he giggled and wrapped his arms around the younger.

“Sleep well Lix.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“I’m in love with you, Changbin! I love you so much it hurts!” Felix shouted at Changbin, his heart pounding in his chest and his face flushed a deep red as he confessed to the man in front of him.

Felix had his eyes closed, not knowing what kind of reaction to expect from the older.

He kept them closed until he heard a chuckle, and he opened them to look at Changbin nervously.

“Seriously? You love me?” Changbin’s face looked almost disgusted and Felix felt tears building in his eyes as he nodded.

“Ew. Sorry but I would never love someone like you, Felix. You’re just not loveable. You’re kind of useless.” Changbin shrugged at him and Felix felt his heart drop in his chest as the world around him shattered. The one person who had always been there for him just called him useless.

Suddenly, they were on stage. In front of hundreds of fans and the rest of the Stray Kids members. The members surrounded the two, looking at Felix and laughing. They laughed and called him pathetic, amused that he thought he could ever be loved back.

“Wow you thought he actually cared about you? That’s sad Felix.” Chan laughed at him as he pointed.

“Why are you even here hyung? Can’t you understand that we don’t want you? Changbin doesn’t love you and we don’t need you!” Jeongin shouted at him as he looked at him in disgust.

The members all agreed with him, telling him how much better off they would be without him there. Telling him he should just leave, or die, just go away.

Felix was sobbing, he dropped to his knees, he heard stay booing him, screaming at him to leave, telling him how useless he was. How much of a burden he was.

He looked up and saw Changbin and Hyunjin, they held hands as they leaned closer to each other. Hyunjin glancing at Felix and smirking as he locked lips with Changbin, the two engaging in a passionate kiss. Stay cheered and the members walked away from him, leaving him alone and talking to stay without him.

He screamed at them. He screamed for them to come back, that he wasn’t useless, that he could be useful. But they couldn’t hear him. No matter how much he shouted, it was like he wasn’t there at all.

And suddenly, he wasn’t. He faded from existence.

Felix awoke in a cold sweat, shooting up to see Changbin already awake beside him, nothing but concern painting his face.

He looked at the clock on the bedside table, it was 1:24 AM.

“Felix are you okay? You were having a nightmare and you started crying, so I woke you up, what happened? Was it that bad?” Changbin reached for Felix’s hand but he pulled away, instead reaching up to touch his face, seeing that he was indeed crying.

The dream came back to him. All of it. Changbin telling him he was useless, everyone telling him he was useless. Changbin kissing Hyunjin.

“Hello? Talk to me Felix.” Changbin brought his hand to rub Felix’s back but Felix only flinched, leaning away from the touch, the nightmare still fresh on his mind.

Changbin’s face dropped in disappointment and he became even more concerned if possible. He was going on a limb here but he guesses he was a part of the nightmare.

“Was...was it about me?” Changbin tried once again to rub Felix’s back, and Felix still flinched but didn’t pull away, trying hard to relax.

“It-it was, kind of. Y-You were part of i-it…” Felix shook slightly, and Changbin removed his hand from his back, now reaching for Felix’s hand instead, which he accepted this time. He rubbed circles on his thumb comfortingly.

“Do you want to tell me what happened…?” Felix thought for a second before shaking his head no. He just wanted to calm down and go back to sleep. This was too much for 1 AM.

“Okay, that’s alright, we don’t have to talk about it. Do you want me to hold you?” Changbin asked.

Felix nodded gently “Please.”

Both boys laid back down, Changbin pulling Felix into his chest and holding him comfortingly. They laid like that for a minute before Changbin heard sniffling and realized Felix had begun to cry. Rather than make a big deal of it, he softly shushed him, reaching up to stroke his hair gently.

“It’s okay Lix, I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere.”


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know an update is long overdue and I’m sorry for not updating in a but, I’ve been very busy. However, I’m going to start updating regularly again and I should have Chapter 12 out by today or tomorrow.
> 
> Anyways! Sorry again for the wait but here’s Chapter 11, enjoy!

“Wake uppppp!!” Felix jolted awake, shooting up into a sitting position and waking Changbin in the process.

Felix looked over to see that Hyunjin had also been startled awake, and standing near their hotel door was Chan, smiling at the boys he had presumably startled out of sleep.

“What was that for?” Changbin asked, trying to act angry despite the smile now creeping onto his face.

Chan smiled at him again, “It’s 9 AM, we’ve gotta go get food! Everyone else is already awake, we’re waiting on you three. So, get ready and get up! We’ll be in the lobby~” He sang the last part of his sentence as he left the room, leaving the three to get put together.”

All of them were reluctant to actually get out of bed, checking their phones to stall for as long as possible. Hyunjin was the first to actually get up to get ready, a few minutes after Chan left. Felix and Changbin figured they’d better get ready too, not particularly wanting to get yelled at by their fellow members today.

After a bit, they were actually decent and clean and so they all left the room, Hyunjin trailing behind the other two, head hanging.

Upon arriving in the lobby, they were greeted by Minho. “Geez, took you three long enough, come on, we have a reservation for 10:45 and it’s already 10.” Minho walked away, slightly aggravated and Felix and Changbin turned to look at each other, neither able to hold in a laugh. Hyunjin watched, and Seungmin walked over to him.

“...You good, Jinnie?” Seungmin placed a hand on Hyunjin’s shoulder as he spoke to him and he noticed the older’s eyebrows were creased with sadness and something else, guilt?

He sighed. “Yeah...I’m okay.” Hyunjin reached down, taking Seungmin’s hand in his own, and proceeding to lean down and place his forehead on Seungmin’s shoulder, shocking the younger.

“I’m just a little down...you’ll always be here for me...right?” Seungmin smiled sadly and reached over Hyunjin, using his free hand to rub his back.

“Of course. I’m always here Hyunjin, you always have me, okay?” He felt Hyunjin nod and they stood like that for a minute until Chan hustled all of the members into a rented van.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The restaurant was nice. It was simple, yes, but nice. It was an imitation of an American restaurant, though the members didn’t know how accurate it was. Did all American restaurants have waitresses in plaid dresses and a jukebox in the corner? They weren’t sure, but Felix personally doubted it was very accurate. Nonetheless, it was a nice little, quiet place and it smelled like they were making good food.

They sat, as usual, in a large booth so that they didn’t have to sit at separate tables. Felix breathed in, taking in the smells of diner food whirling around him. He looked down, taking the menu that had been previously placed in front of him and scanning it, trying to decide what he should eat. Something small, of course.

“Felix, you should get this,” Chan had tapped him on the shoulder, pointing out an item on his menu. It was a lot. A waffle with eggs, toast, fried potatoes, and sausages on the side. Felix furrowed his eyebrows. He didn’t want to eat so much, especially not in one sitting. He contemplated in his head and Chan saw the distress on his face. “I can share it with you if you want, we can just split it.” Chan smiled at him, patting his shoulder and Felix looked at him, smiling a little too.

“Yeah...okay, sure.”

It wasn’t long before the waitress showed up. She was a beautiful lady, Japanese with long black hair and bright brown eyes, and she looked Felix up and down as she got to the table, smirking at him. 

“What can I get for all of you today?” She spoke in a tone that Felix couldn’t quite place and she looked at him, he was sitting at the end so he was expected to speak first.

“Uh…I wou-“ Felix flinched and felt himself tense up, his shoulders stiffening as the waitress suddenly placed her hand on his shoulder. “Yes? What do you want, cutie?” She stroked his shoulder, speaking in a more flirtatious voice now. Felix was uncomfortable, and it must’ve been showing on his face.

“He would like the number 7, he and I are splitting it.” Chan smiled casually at the young lady, abruptly taking Felix’s hand and holding it in his own, pulling it up to his face and kissing Felix’s hand quickly. “Isn’t that right, babe?” Felix felt his face flush immediately and he turned to face Chan, who gave him a look.

Felix coughed and turned back to the lady. “Um yes, t-the number 7...p-please.” The woman removed her hand from Felix’s shoulder, her face contorting to one of disgust as she scoffed and wrote the order down, quickly moving on to the next person.

Once she had left, all of the members looked towards Chan and Felix, dumbfounded. Changbin in particular looked hurt.

Jisung cleared his throat before breaking the silence. “Are...are you guys…” He made a gesture between the two of them and everyone could assume what he was insinuating.

Chan looked down and realized he had yet to let go of Felix’s hand, whose face was still flushed red, and quickly unhanded him, throwing both of his hands up in defence. “No, no! I was just saving Lix from the waitress, she was making him uncomfortable so I did what I thought would make her stop…” as he spoke his voice got quieter before he stopped completely, looking down in guilt. “...Sorry if I made you more uncomfortable Lix…” his shoulders slumped as he looked down.

“No, you’re okay! Thanks for helping me, I don’t think I could’ve gotten her to stop on my own.” Felix laughed, trying to lighten the mood a bit and cheer everyone up. It kind of worked, the awkwardness ended and everyone broke off into their own conversations. However, a tension still remained at the table, mostly between Felix, Changbin, and Chan. Everyone else was going on as normal. Hyunjin especially was okay.

After a while of sitting, the boys were beginning to get restless while waiting for their food, Jisung was complaining to Minho who repeated for the thousandth time that he couldn’t do anything about it. Jeongin was about to fall asleep, Hyunjin was bored going through his phone, Seungmin was poking Hyunjin while laying on his shoulder, and everyone else was either stressing over something or trying to be patient.

Chan sighed loudly, he was fed up. “What is taking so long!” He slapped his hands down on the table in frustration, and Felix reached over to him, taking his hand and holding it comfortingly, squeezing it gently.

“I’m sure it won’t be much longer, calm down yeah?” He spoke quietly, smiling at the older as Chan tried to smile back and nodded, and not catching Changbin glaring at them from across the table. Changbin huffed in frustration, sitting back and crossing his arms, only Hyunjin and Seungmin catching the actions, Hyunjin smirking and Seungmin’s worrying.

“Alright, sorry for the wait, we had problems back in the kitchen.” A waitress had suddenly shown up at their table, offering a sheepish smile and speaking in a guilty tone. It was a different one from before, which was a relief for Felix, carrying a couple trays of food. 

“It’s alright, better late than never!” Minho looked up at the lady who smiled in thanks before proceeding to pass out their plates of food which the members took gratefully.

After she had left, Felix turned to Chan. “See? Told you it’d be here soon.” Felix spoke happily and Chan laughed, nudging him gently on the shoulder.

“Yeah, you were right, as usual.” He smiled and the two looked down at the food they were sharing, beginning to eat.

Changbin sighed, looking down to pick at his food.

Chan and Felix conversed quite a lot throughout their time at the restaurant, Changbin was jealous but he understood that Felix saw Chan as an older brother. Still, he couldn’t shake his jealousy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After eating, the boys made their way back to the hotel. They stood in the lobby as Chan prepared to announce something.

The boys were rowdy, though, and hadn’t given Chan time to speak, all hyper and ready for the day, jumping as they talked loudly.

Chan huffed in aggravation, clapping his hands together loudly and smiling obnoxiously, raising his voice to speak “Okay! Children, calm down and listen up!” The room became quiet as everyone stopped abruptly to look at their hyung.

“Thank you. Now, last night I was looking for things around the area that we could all go do as a group, and I found something. Near here, maybe 45 minutes away, there's an amusement park!” He clapped his hands together once again as he smiled at the others.

“An amusement park? Is there a rollercoaster?!” Jeongin beamed as he got excited, and Chan came over to ruffle his hair.

“There are multiple rollercoasters actually!”

Jeongin’s excitement was written all over his face, and the other members wore the same expression.

Jisung spoke up, “When are we going?” His eyes were wide and Minho held him tightly, flustered at the cuteness of the younger.

“Well, I think we should leave around 5, then, we’ll have plenty of time to do everything and we can also eat dinner there, there's plenty of food options so I hear.” Chan waited for the agreeance of his members, happy when they all nodded excitedly.

“Okay! Great, then, you guys are free to do whatever for a while, but we’ll meet in the lobby by 5, okay?” As he finished, everyone agreed before they all began to talk amongst themselves, splitting up to do whatever they would do.

Felix and Changbin, particularly, left to their room. Felix needed a shower, and Changbin wanted to get in some hours to himself on his phone.

Upon entering their room, Changbin had gone to sit on the bed as Felix stopped to watch him. Changbin was ignoring him. He sighed as he watched him get on his phone. Felix turned away from him as he realized he needed to shower before the amusement park.  
He gathered his things and went into the bathroom, as he got into the shower and let his thoughts wander.

He thought about how Changbin was acting. The walk to the room had been short, but it had felt long as neither of them talked. Felix for one was confused, had he done something? Changbin was acting distant since the restaurant and Felix couldn’t stop anxiety from rising, scared he’d made some type of mistake to anger the boy. What if Changbin hated him now for some reason? He didn’t even look at him on the way to the room, and he kept towards the opposite wall of Felix. Oh god. Felix didn't know what he would do if Changbin hated him. It was one thing to be in love with someone who didn’t love you back, but it was a whole different thing to love someone who hated you.

Felix stalled for as long as he could in the shower, taking his sweet time but trying not to use all of the hot water because he didn’t want to be a dick. But, eventually, he had to get out because it might seem suspicious being in there for so long, and he didn’t want Changbin to worry. So, he gathered what was left of his literal will to live and turned off the water, getting out of the shower and trying to dry off and get dressed as slow as possible, still trying to put off confronting Changbin.

Once he was done he steeled himself and took a breath before stepping out of the bathroom and looking around expectantly for Changbin. He found him sitting on their bed, on his phone engrossed in whatever dumb app he had found this week that would no doubt be deleted in a few days. 

He coughed to get the older boys attention, but Changbin continued playing his game as if he hadn’t even heard Felix. But Felix knew he had heard him, it was always easy to get Changbin’s attention, so the only solution was that he had heard him but had decided to ignore him. The thought made Felix sad, and his heart felt tight for a second before he shook it off and decided to use words.

“Changbin...you can go shower now if you want.” It was a few seconds before Changbin offered him a nod, clicking his phone off and stretching as he got up from the bed to reach for his bag. He grabbed it and stood, beginning to walk off to the restroom and Felix felt angry all of a sudden.

A hand grasped Changbin’s arm roughly as he was walking away and it startled him. He turned to see Felix holding him, his expression a mix of sadness, anger, and confusion and all of a sudden Changbin felt guilty and he laughed nervously.

“Felix, what’s wrong? Let me go so I can shower.” Felix’s grip only tightened and now Changbin felt little fear mix with his guilt.

Felix huffed. “Why are you ignoring me? Do you...do you hate me?” His eyes were wet as he questioned the other boy, and Changbin’s stiff posture immediately dropped as he realized what he had done. He had made Felix feel unwanted. God, he was terrible.

The younger boy sniffled before speaking again, his voice quieter now. “I don’t blame you if you do b-but please tell me what I did wrong…” his grip lost it’s tightness and his hand left Changbin’s arm.

Changbin’s eyes softened as he looked down at the boy. He chose his words before speaking. “Felix, no. I don’t hate you. I could never hate you.” He reached his hand down to run his fingers through Felix’s hair and he flinched away from the touch, sending a jolt to Changbin’s heart.

When Felix spoke he spoke slowly, which neither of them saw as a problem, he needed to gather his thoughts. “Then why are you ignoring me...I promised you I would stop ignoring you a few weeks ago, now you’re doing the same thing I was…If you don't hate me, at least tell me why you’re upset with me.” 

Changbin bit his lip. He couldn’t tell him that it was jealousy, at least not in the way it was.

“Well I uh, I guess I just felt kind of left out this morning? You and Chan were having so much fun and I felt...kind of left out.” He rubbed the back of his head, softly sitting down on the bed beside Felix.

“Oh...Bin, you could’ve told us, I’m sorry we made you sad.” Felix reached up and ran his hands through Changbin’s hair softly, the older leaned into the hand and Felix smiled softly.

“I know I should’ve told you, I just wish I didn’t have to. After all, we, uh, we’re best friends right?” Changbin felt himself become sad as he spoke, it was true that they were close friends but it still hurt to think that they’d never be more. Felix also felt himself cringe, and he found himself wishing that Changbin hadn’t said that last part, even if it was what he thought, which it obviously was. Changbin would never see him in any other way. He would never love Felix as Felix loved him.

He took in a shaky breath, forcing himself to smile, he was sure it wasn’t that believable but it was better than frowning. “Yeah, I get it. I’m really sorry for leaving you out, Bin. I promise I’ll hang out with you as long as you want while we’re at the amusement park.” This made Changbin smile and he was suddenly more excited to go to the park, however, he did still need to shower.

“Okay, yeah, please hang out with me then. I actually do have to shower though, Lix.” He smiled as he stood and picked up his stuff once again.

“Of course, go ahead.” Changbin thanked him and left, this time not being stopped. Felix watched him go, smiling a sad smile. Maybe they could be best friends. Maybe that was fine. No matter how much it hurt Felix, he didn’t want to force himself on Changbin when he didn’t feel the same, unlike some people. He sighed and pulled out his phone, ready to occupy himself until 5 o’clock.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so, I apologize for not updating in so long. My mental health has been at an all time low for a while now and I haven’t had the motivation to do anything, including write, in a while. However, recently I have finally felt like writing and I hope to begin updating more soon. Thank you so much for reading ^^

Once the time finally rolled around, all eight boys were gathered in the hotel lobby and filled with excitement to get going. Felix was even excited, he loved amusement parks, he loved the food, the rides, all of it. But, if he was honest, most of his excitement came from the knowledge that he’d be spending time with Changbin there. Of course, he was still a little nervous, but what else was new.

“Alright guys, come on, we should get there before it gets too crowded, we don’t want to be out too late, either.” Chan hustled them all into the van and Felix sat by Changbin and Seungmin.

The ride felt shorter than it was. He had held up conversations with the others for most of the time, mostly Seungmin. And, speaking of Seungmin, he was rather sad today. Felix could assume why and he couldn’t help but feel bad for him. After all, Hyunjin wasn’t very subtle about his fondness for Changbin, like, ever. So, he had held Seungmin’s hand during the car ride for comfort, and Felix couldn’t help but notice that Hyunjin’s eyes seemed to be a little bit less focused on Changbin and a little bit more on Seungmin. He hoped it would stay that way, but he doubted it in all honesty.

As soon as the van had stopped, Jeongin and Jisung were scrambling to unbuckle, acting like chaotic children as usual.

“Guys calm down! Geez, you’re gonna die from all of that energy someday.” Chan ran a hand through his hair and Jeongin stopped rustling and smiled sheepishly before muttering a soft-spoken apology which Chan immediately accepted. Gullible.

However, they did all manage to make it out of the van alive eventually. And, Minho had to stop Jisung from running off immediately after they had paid to get in and bought plenty of tickets.

“Alright, do you guys want to just split up as groups? Meet back here whenever? We all have our phones on us, right?” Minho questioned the group, to which they all agreed and made sure they all for sure did have their phones. And so, they split up to go do whatever.

For now, Changbin and Felix were alone and Felix was going to make sure that he made the most of it.

“What do you want to do first?” Felix smiled brightly at Changbin as he questioned him, excited to just be with him. Changbin laughed lightly and reached out to grasp Felix’s hand upon instinct, which of course Felix immediately and happily accepted.

“Well, I’m fine with anything, so you can decide if you want to? If not I can always choose for us.” Changbin squeezed his hand and Felix felt grateful. He had never really liked being the one to choose things, as he was always self conscious or worried that whoever he was with wouldn’t like his choice but wouldn’t tell uim out of kindness. That’s why he had asked Changbin in the first place, and he had the feeling Changbin knew he didn’t want to pick. He really did understand Felix, didn’t he?

“I don’t really feel like picking, can you?” Felix asked a little hesitantly even though he knew the older boy’s answer.

“Of course I can, it’s no problem.” He reached to ruffle Felix’s hair and the younger boy giggled, filling Changbin’s heart with butterflies and causing his heart to fill with happiness. He blushed and coughed to knock himself out of it so he could actually choose something.

“Okay, let’s see.” Changbin scanned the area surrounding them, trying to think not only about what he wanted to do, but also what Felix might not want to do. He knew he definitely shouldn’t take the younger to anything that might be scary, Felix wasn’t the best at dealing with scary things, as he had learned over time. His eyes landed on a rollercoaster that looked fun, and it wasn’t deadly looking or anything so that was a plus for sure. He raised his arm to point towards it and Felix followed his gesture with his own eyes. “How about the rollercoaster over there? If that’s fine with you?”

Felix smiled brightly up at him and Changbin felt like he was the main character of a cliche overdone romance movie that would somehow become a blockbuster. Not that he was complaining.

“Sure! Let’s go!” Felix gripped his forearm and dragged him to the ride, prepared to make the most out of this day and spend it happily for once.

Changbin couldn’t help smiling as Felix drug him through the crowd with a determined, happy look on his face. He wished he could make Felix this happy everyday. It was like his smile was the brightest thing in the universe. Changbin would choose Felix over the universe any day.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Changbin watched and laughed as Felix bounced along giddly, they’d just exited what would be the fifth ride and second rollercoaster they’d been on, and Felix was bursting with energy. It almost made Changbin sad, as he thought about how he would probably go back to being sad soon, and he almost-almost, stopped smiling. But he instead reminded himself that he should live in the present, the present where Felix was happy and having fun, dragging him around now, making it seem as if his anxiety in the beginning had never been there in the first place. The present was good.

“Bin, can we get food?” Felix had stopped walking and turned around to face Changbin as he questioned him.

Changbin nodded quickly, “Yeah of course, what do you want? There’s plenty to choose from, let’s look around.” Felix hummed in agreement and began to walk again, but not before he stepped closer and grabbed Changbin’s hand in his own, walking slightly in front of him. Changbin felt his face flush and Felix was lucky he was in front of him because his face was also burning red. He was surprised at his own actions, honestly.

The pair walked around for a little bit before Felix decided he wanted a pastry that resembled a funnel cake. Changbin decided against getting anything but he did steal a bite of Felix’s pastry and it was just as sugary and unhealthily-delicious as he had expected.

Things were fine. Everything was going great and Felix was having a good time. However, at some point his intrusive thoughts started coming from the back of his mind and his bubbliness started to slow down a bit. He knows he should appreciate this day as much as he can, and he’s trying really hard, and he almost feels guilty that he’s starting to feel bad again. But he can’t help thinking about how this is only temporary, and it’s getting to him. Not only is the happiness of this day only temporary, but his happiness with Changbin is as well. One day, Felix won’t be able to do this. To go out and have fun with Changbin, because one day Changbin will leave him. Whether he thinks he will or not, Felix knows he will. Eventually he’ll fall in love with someone and have no time for Felix at all. Felix supposes he’s being selfish. But it’s not his fault that Changbin is one of the only things bringing him genuine joy these days, is it? He didn’t want to feel bad, especially not right now, he didn’t want to always ruin everything with his sadness, but he couldn’t help it.

As Felix walked along with Changbin, his head began to hang a little lower and steps became less light as he unconsciously began to rub his hand up and down his arm.

The change in demeanor did not go unnoticed by Changbin and he cleared his throat. “Felix? Everything alright?” He questioned as they continued walking.

Felix sighed as he smiled lightly and then looked up and Changbin. “Yeah, just some negative thoughts, don’t worry.” Changbin frowned as Felix smiled once more. “Really, it’s okay.”

He didn’t want to make him worry, today was supposed to be a happy day.

“Okay...we can talk about it later if you want?” The older offered.

Felix thought about it. He wasn’t sure he could talk about it, really. He thought about his answer before speaking. “Maybe.”

Changbin sighed, he wouldn’t pressure Felix to talk if he didn’t want to, but he really did love to help him.

“Oh, look!” All of a sudden Felix pointed off somewhere, and Changbin’s gaze followed his.

His eyes were met with the sight of Chan, Minho, and Jeongin coming towards them, smiling. Jeongin excitedly bounced towards them, going ahead of Chan and Minho who both looked on happily.

Felix opened his arms for a hug as Jeongin rushed up to him. “Innie! Are you having fun?”

“Yeah! Chan-hyung bought me an ice cream earlier, also, Minho-hyung almost passed out on the rollercoaster! You should’ve seen how worried Jisung was!” Jeongin laughed as he recalled the last part and Felix giggled along with him as Chan and Minho approached. Chan sighed and put his hand on his face, smiling.

“Thank you so much for telling them that, Innie.” Minho said playfully as the younger smiled. Chan giggled behind him.

Changbin coughed once before speaking to Chan. “Do you know where everyone else is?” He asked curiously.

“Ah, oh yeah, that’s why we came up to you actually. It’s getting dark now, so I’m gathering everyone and we’re all going to a nearby park. They’re going to do fireworks and there’s a hill that should have a nice view of them as well as of the amusement park. The others are waiting near the entrance already, we’ve been trying to find you guys.” Chan smiled at them as he explained.

“Trying to find us? Why didn’t you text or call instead?” Changbin asked.

“Well we tried both of your phones, but neither of you picked up, so we decided to just track you down.” Chan rubbed the back of his neck as he finished

Both Changbin and Felix’s eyes widened slightly as both of them took out their phones to find that there were, in fact, multiple missed texts and calls from all three of the boys in front of them.

“Oh my gosh, we’re sorry to have caused you guys trouble.” Felix frowned, his shoulders dropping a little. Changbin nodded to show he felt the same way.

“Yeah, we’re sorry.” He frowned.

“Oh no, it’s okay, really. But we should go ahead and get out of here before the others get worried or we miss the fireworks, so come on!” Chan tried to lighten the mood as he began to lead the rest of the boys to the entrance of the park where everyone else was waiting.

It wasn’t long before they reached the entrance and then all got in the van. The members talked about what they’d done with their day on the short drive to the park next door. Shortly, they reached the park.

As they piled out of the van they took notice of the other people in the park, also waiting for the show. Some couples had set up blankets to sit on while they waited, other people and groups just standing around conversing with one another. Felix enjoyed the atmosphere.

The eight boys made their way up a hill to get a better view of what was to come and, to Felix’s surprise, there wasn’t anyone else up there. There were a few more hills around, of course, with people on them, so Felix supposed it wasn’t that weird that there was no one on this one.

Felix took a seat on the ground a little bit away from the other members, up against a tree. Within a few seconds, someone joined him and Felix was not surprised at all when he turned and was met with Changbin. He sighed.

“When do you think the fireworks will start?” His eyes were trained on the amusement park below, all lit up with people still bustling around. Changbin was looking at Felix.

“Chan said that it wouldn’t be long, another 5 minutes maybe.” He stared at Felix, the lights from the park below made his eyes look like they were sparkling. Honestly, Changbin wouldn’t be surprised if they actually were. It was Felix, after all.

Changbin thought for a minute about Felix. How beautifully amazing he was. His feelings for him. How much he would love to have the younger boy be his. Maybe...maybe tonight was the night he could tell him. Maybe.

Before he could back away from the idea, he decided to act. “Felix...can I tell-“ he was interrupted by a gasp from the younger boy as he patted his pockets.

“Hold that thought, Binnie, please? I left my phone in the van, I want to record the fireworks! I’ll be right back!” He hopped up excitedly as he went to tell Chan where he was going before setting off. Changbin couldn’t help but giggle softly. Felix was so cute.

“Changbinnie!~” Changbin startled as he looked up at who was calling him, seeing Hyunjin standing there, casting a shadow over him. He bit his lip in slight annoyance. It wasn’t that he hated the younger's presence, he just hadn’t been exactly likeable lately.

Despite his annoyance, he replied. “Yes, Hyunjin?” There was a slight aggressiveness to his tone which Hyunjin noticed.

“Ouch, Binnie! I just wanna talk to you for a bit. Can you stand up though, it’s weird talking with you so low down.” He smiled.

Changbin sighed but complied anyways, standing and leaning his back against the tree.

“What do you want to talk about?” He decided to be nice, he did care about Hyunjin, after all.

Hyunjin dodged the question, speaking off topic instead. “The stars are really pretty tonight, don’t you think?” He sounded slightly nervous and that put Changbin a little on edge.

“Uh, yeah, I guess they are.” He went along with it, despite the fact that he was now kind of suspicious.

Hyunjin stepped closer to Changbin, nearly too close for comfort. “Changbin...I-“ as Hyunjin stepped even closer and went to speak, he was interrupted by a firework, causing him to jump a bit. People cheered and Changbin realized that it was starting. “A-as I was saying-“ he tried to continue.

“Oh no Felix is gonna miss it, I hope he hurries back.” Changbin gasped as he remembered that the younger still wasn’t back, causing Hyunjin to be interrupted a second time.

Suddenly, Hyunjin noticed out of the corner of his eye that Felix was walking quickly up the hill towards them, excitement prevalent on his face. Hyunjin bit his lip.

“Binnie!” Felix shouted happily and just as Changbin was about to turn his head, Hyunjin frantically placed his hand on his face, turning it instead towards him.

“Changbin.” Hyunjin said briefly before suddenly leaning forward, Changbin’s eyes widened as he realized what was happening, but he had no time to react, and within the second, Hyunjin’s lips were crashing down onto his own. Changbin stood still in shock for a moment before attempting to shove Hyunjin away, however, Hyunjin persisted for a little longer, proceeding to kiss him even harder. His lips felt wrong.

Finally, Changbin managed to push Hyunjin away, the younger boy falling back onto the ground harshly, Changbin frantically turned in the direction that Felix was coming from before, seeing only Felix’s phone, dropped on the ground and screen illuminating the darkness.

“Fuck!” Changbin spoke loudly as he shoved his face into his hands angrily. “What the hell, Hyunjin?!” He quickly turned to face Hyunjin, seeing him looking down, still on the ground in the same position he’d fallen. Hyunjin said nothing, Changbin heard nothing but the sound of fireworks.

“What? Can you not speak now?! Why would you do that, what was even going through your head?!” Changbin shouted at him and noticed Chan swiftly walking over to the two of them.

“Hey hey, what’s happening over here, guys?” Chan looked at them with concern, eyes switching back and forth between the two of them.

Changbin clicked his tongue before turning to the older, arms crossed. “Why don’t you ask Hyunjin? I have to go look for Felix.” Changbin stomped away, leaving Chan in confusion with a silent Hyunjin.

He walked over to Felix’s phone, picking it up and putting it in his pocket before looking around. He walked over to the other members, the emotions he was feeling very obvious on his face.

“What’s up, Bin?” Jisung walked over to him, placing a hand on his shoulder. “Is it about Felix, or Seungmin?” Jisung asked.

Changbin looked at him in confusion. “Huh? Why?”

“Well, Felix just came over here a little bit ago and went to Seungmin, the two of them went off somewhere, to talk I think.” Jisung shrugged. “Felix looked pretty upset.” He frowned as he finished, concern clear on his face.

Changbin groaned. “Oh god. Okay. Thank you, Jisung.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Not long after fireworks, everyone had decided it was time to go back to the hotel as they were all exhausted. Changbin didn’t find Felix, but he knew that the boy in question had called Chan and that Chan probably knew where he was now. He refused to tell Changbin, though.

As they all made their way to the van, Changbin’s heart nearly stopped as he saw Felix and Seungmin both already stood by the van, not really paying any mind to the group approaching.

His heart sped up as the group reached the van and before he could stop himself he rushed up to Felix. “Felix, oh my god, I-“ as he tried to talk to him, the younger ignored him, walking past him and towards Chan.

Changbin stood in shock as he vaguely heard Felix ask Chan to unlock the car, before he saw the younger boy get in, Seungmin getting in right after him. Oh no. This was bad. This was so bad.

They all got in the van eventually, and the ride to the hotel was quiet. Everyone felt a tension in the car but most of the members were oblivious as to what was going on, so, no one talked much.

This was absolutely the worst thing that could’ve happened on this stupid trip.


	13. Chapter 13

Felix stood, frozen, for a second as he watched Hyunjin lean in and kiss Changbin. And then all of a sudden his world came crashing down. Oh my god. No. This was really happening. He was really watching Hyunjin and Changbin kiss. Felix felt tears forming as he shook a little bit, and his phone fell from his hand as he ran off.

Felix felt his heart beating out of his chest, panic rising quickly and tears threatening to fall. He ran where he felt he should, to Seungmin. Felix’s breathing became messy as he approached the younger boy from behind, placing a hand on his shoulder and startling him a little as he turned around.

Immediately, Seungmin was filled with worry as he saw Felix’s state. “Oh my gosh Felix, are you okay? What’s wrong?” His eyebrows creased as he placed a comforting hand on the older boy’s shoulder.

“P-Please, I need to talk t-to you.” Felix stuttered out over his impending panic as he felt himself slightly hyperventilating.

“Oh god I’ll go get Changbin and Chan!” Seungmin tried to drag Felix away but Felix stopped him.

“No! Need to t-talk to only y-you…” Seungmin’s lips formed a tight line as he nodded in understanding.

“Let’s go.” He now took Felix’s hand and walked him away from everyone else, they found a small secluded section of the park away from anyone else to talk. They sat side by side on a wooden bench. And then Felix finally let go.

Finally, Felix felt tears streaming down his face and as he wiped them away more continued to fall, he let out a sob as the anxiety in his chest reached a high and he felt himself begin to hyperventilate. Seungmin hurriedly wrapped his arms around him, trying his best to comfort him and attempting to sooth him by rubbing circles in his back. Felix shoved his face into Seungmin’s shoulder as he sobbed harder, thankful for the comfort Seungmin was providing. 

He tried to force himself to calm down for Seungmin’s sake, but it just wasn’t working out. He couldn’t stop thinking, his mind racing. Changbin and Hyunjin really kissed. They really kissed. How could he ever have thought for a second that Changbin would ever like him back. Hyunjin was right. Felix was stupid.

His breakdown continued as Seungmin shushed him softly, trying his best to help.

He continued breathing harshly for a while before it began to calm down. His breathing still irregular, but not nearly as bad as before. He felt exhausted as Seungmin was still rubbing his back, shushing him gently. Felix sniffed as he sobbed once again unconsciously, and then pulled back from Seungmin’s embrace to look him in the eyes. Seungmin kept his arms around him as their chests separated, and he looked at Felix sadly.

Felix noticed that Seungmin had been crying as well and he mentaly cursed himself for making him cry.

“...Felix…” Felix sniffed again and looked away slightly, another small sob escaping although his tears had, for the most part, stopped falling

“I’m s-sorry…” He spoke quietly as the younger boy looked at him in concern.

“No, you didn’t do anything wrong, Lixie. But, I need you to tell me...what happened?” Seungmin spoke softly, not wanting to scare Felix or pressure him.

Felix’s breath hitched as he recalled what had happened. Hyunjin and Changbin had kissed. He had seen it with his own two eyes. And Changbin didn’t even try to push him away. He must’ve enjoyed it. He was stupid to think that he was beginning to reciprocate his feelings. Changbin would never, ever love Felix. Never. For a few days, something had been occupying Felix’s thoughts. He couldn’t stop thinking about it. About when Changbin had kissed him. It had been slowly eating away at him in the back of his mind, weighing him down, but he tried to ignore it. Changbin hadn’t brought it up, so it must’ve been a fluke. A spur of the moment thing. Or maybe, he was leading Felix on. Maybe he’d liked Hyunjin this entire time and they had some type of plot to absolutely ruin Felix. Maybe Changbin just hated him.

“Felix?” Seungmin spoke suddenly, snapping Felix out of his thoughts. Felix sighed as he looked down at his lap.

“Seungminnie…” he spoke finally. “I’m gonna tell you...about what happened. B-But it might make you upset, too…” Seungmin bit his lip as he became even more concerned, if possible. Felix took a shaky breath “a-and not because it made me sad, b-but it’s something that will upset you in general…” it had only just occurred to Felix that this would upset Seungmin as well. Since Seungmin was in love with Hyunjin.

Seungmin let out a nervous sigh. “Okay…well, it’s fine. You can tell me…” he placed his hand atop Felix’s shoulder gently, encouraging him despite his stress.

Felix took a shaky breath before gathering up enough courage to speak. “I...I saw Hyunjin...I saw him kiss Changbin...and Changbin didn’t push him away. I saw them kiss…” Silence. Felix couldn’t bring himself to look Seungmin in the eyes, opting instead to stare down at his hands in his lap. He held his breath as he waited for Seungmin to speak.

After a much too long silence, Felix heard a sniffle followed by a quiet whine, and he decided to face the younger boy finally.

Seungmin was crying, it was obvious he was trying to hold back for Felix’s sake, but he was crying nonetheless. He reached up frantically to wipe his tears away with his hoodie sleeves as he saw Felix look up at him.

“...Seungmin-“ Felix’s voice was laced with concern as he started to speak before being cut off.

“No I’m okay, I’m fine, don’t worry.” His face contradicted his words as more and more tears kept falling, and Felix felt pain in his heart.

Felix couldn’t think of what to say, so instead he just wrapped his arms around Seungmin just as the younger boy had done to him minutes prior, comforting him to the best of his abilities.

“Shhh, it’s okay. It’ll all be okay Minnie.” Felix stroked the back of Seungmin’s head as they hugged each other. Seungmin crying and Felix tearing up again.

And they sat like that for a little while longer. They sat and calmed down after a while, only getting up when they realized that the others would probably be wanting to leave by now. And then, they made their way to the van.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

They actually got to the van before the rest of the group did, so they stood and waited in silence. They didn’t have to wait long before they heard the rest of their friends approaching. Felix tensed up upon hearing their footsteps. He figured that Seungmin had probably had the same reaction.

And then, Felix heard one pair of footsteps rush towards them ahead of the others. He already knew who it was. A turn of his head confirmed his suspicions as Changbin approached him.

“Felix, oh my god, I-“ Felix had gathered his courage, and walked right past Changbin, ignoring him completely in favor of going over to Chan. He couldn’t bring himself to look back at the boy, no matter how guilty he felt, he didn’t want to see his face.

“Chan hyung…” Chan quickly rushed up to Felix and hugged him as the younger boy approached him, pulling away after a few seconds and patting his back.

“Are you okay?” Nothing but concern was in his voice, and Felix felt guilty for making him so worried. But he had time to feel guilty later, right now he needed to get away from Changbin.

“Yes...can you unlock the van?” Chan bit his lip before nodding in understanding, pressing the button on his keys to unlock the van.

Felix briefly thanked him before getting in the van, dragging Seungmin in right behind him.

The others joined shortly after and Felix was sat between Jisung and Seungmin during the quiet, tense ride back.

No one spoke much. It was an awful ride.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Upon arriving at the hotel, everyone planned to quickly make their way to their rooms to escape the tension. Felix, though, was planning on asking Chan to switch rooms. He absolutely could not bear to be around Hyunjin or Changbin right now. Especially not together.

However, before anyone could get anywhere, Chan stopped them all in the lobby. He looked tense, unsurprisingly, as he began to explain.

“So uh...this is really short notice and I’m sorry but I’m making minor rooming changes, for reasons, barely anything is changing but I want to make you all aware so there is no confusion...So, Jeongin, I’d like to ask you to please switch rooms with Felix, and room with Hyunjin and Changbin tonight. And I’ll then room with Seungmin and Felix, leaving Jisung and Minho in a room together. Is that okay with everyone? Jeongin?” There was a general murmur of agreement, Jisung and Minho particularly fine with the situation.

Changbin tried speaking up “Hyung I-“ before being interrupted by Jeongin.

“Yeah it’s fine hyung! I’ll miss Seungminnie but I get to spend time with Hyunjin and Changbin.” Jeongin was way too happy. Poor boy doesn’t know what he’s in for.

Chan laughed nervously “Ahaha yeah...okay so that’s all, let’s all go up now.”

~~~~~~

And so the boys made their way to their rooms, Jeongin and Chan first gathering their things before going to their new ones.

And after not too long, Felix was sat on a bed together with Chan, Seungmin was occupying the other one by himself.

They were quiet for a while, browsing on their phones, until Chan let out a heavy sigh, placing his phone face down a little harshly on the bed. The abruptness startled Felix and he put his own phone down as well, giving Chan his attention.

“Felix. We need to talk about this.” Chan said seriously, looking the younger aussie in the eyes.

Felix bit his lip. “There...there’s nothing to talk about hyung...Hyunjin and Changbin kissed. That’s it.” He spoke sadly, already wanting to cry again as he remembered the whole situation.

He was not about to talk about this again. He couldn’t have another breakdown today.

“I...Felix, I think you should talk to Changbin. I don’t want to speak on his behalf, but...I think there’s more to the story than you believe.” Chan reached out to grasp Felix’s hand in his own.

Felix sighed. He knew logically that was probably right, but, he couldn’t stop his mind from always immediately assuming the worst. And the worst was that Changbin loved Hyunjin, that he had used Felix, and had loved Hyunjin this whole time. And he probably didn’t even care so much about Felix, definitely not as much as he had pretended to. It was probably part of the plan. Changbin probably knew that he was in love with him, and was leading him on, laughing at him in secret, this whole time. It must be fun to watch someone as pathetic as Felix fall head over heels in love with you, knowing there’s no way you’d ever like them back.

He had even kissed Felix. He had kissed him. And they never even brought it up. Felix thought now that it was probably because Changbin had never liked him in the first place. It’s embarrassing really, that he ever thought he had a chance. He always knew he could never compare to Hyunjin, but now this belief was only confirmed. And it hurt. It hurt so much.

“I’m sorry hyung...I know that’s a possibility. And I will talk to him...I promise. But, I need some time…Please.” He squeezed Chan’s hand as Chan let out another sigh.

“Okay...but, we’ll start prepping for our comeback soon, you know. I think it’s best if you figure this out sooner rather than later. Remember that.” Felix nodded in response, grateful towards the elder.

Seungmin hadn’t spoken during their conversation so Felix turned towards him. “Minnie? Are you okay?” Seungmin sighed.

“Yeah. I’m gonna go to sleep.” That was all he said before he turned off his bedside lamp, getting under the comforter and turning to face away from Chan and Felix.

The two aussies looked at each other, sharing worried glances, before both talking and deciding that they should go to sleep too, and turning off their lamp.

They had one more night after this before they went home. And this trip had definitely fallen apart for Felix.

It’s like the universe was against him. Why couldn’t he just be happy? He probably didn’t deserve it.

At least nothing could be worse than today, but, knowing himself, Felix realized that probably wasn’t true.

Whatever the case, right now he just wanted to sleep. And forget about everything for a while. Tomorrow was another day.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’ve just posted edited chapters, kwj has been edited out. Also, the story takes place between Levanter and Go Live eras. Thank you for waiting and I’m sorry again that an update took so long.

Felix awoke still very tired, having slept terribly. If sleep was supposed to be his only escape from reality, he might need to actually be able to fall asleep. But, no matter how tired he was, he dragged himself to sit up and stretch once he’d realized that Chan was already gone from beside him, and from the sound of it, was showering. He glanced over to the bed beside his, seeing that Seungmin was also awake and on his phone. So he was the last one awake, huh. What time was it?

He glanced over towards the digital clock on the bedside table. 7am. It was still pretty early. What were they even supposed to be doing today? Did they have plans? If they had created a plan then Felix had certainly forgotten it. It was their last day though, so they had to do SOMETHING.

Within a few moments of browsing Twitter on his phone, the shower had shut off and not long after that Chan had emerged from the bathroom dressed for the day.

“Felix! You’re actually up pretty early. We haven’t made any plans today you know.” Chan spoke as he sat his bag down beside the bed. Felix sighed.

“Yeah, I know. What should we do today, then.” he questioned, having shut his phone off and begun fiddling with his fingers.

“Hmm, I have no idea. Personally, what I think you in particular should consider doing is talking to Changbin.” Chan sat on the bed beside him, placing a gentle hand atop his shoulder. “Really, you should hear him out.”

A groan escaped Felix “Hyungggg, do I have to?” Felix tried to sound like he was just being annoying but Chan knew him better than that, he knew he was hurting. But he also knew that Changbin was too.

“Yes...you really have to. I know it’s hard Felix, I do, but I think there’s more to the situation than you think.”

Well, Felix thought Chan was wrong, even if there was more to the situation, that doesn’t mean Changbin would ever like Felix, still. His point stands that no one would ever choose him, especially over Hwang Hyunjin.

Seungmin coughed lightly from the other bed, drawing the attention of the other two boys who had nearly forgotten about the younger.

Seungmin spoke up quietly “Uh...I agree with Chan. I know how Hyunjin is, and you know how he’s been acting lately. It’s entirely possible that this is all his fault somehow.”

Well. He had a point there. As much as he didn’t feel like hearing Changbin out right now and as much as he wanted to continue protesting, he also knew it was in the best interest for the group as a whole if they worked things out, especially with their upcoming comeback. He sighed deeply, giving in. “Okay, I guess maybe I should talk to him.”

Chan let out a heavy sigh of relief “Finally, thank you.” He brought the younger in for a quick hug.

“Yeah yeah. I’ll try to talk to him today. We should figure out what we’re doing though, shouldn’t we hyung?” Felix questioned, partly just trying to change the subject if he was honest.

“Ah, yeah, you’re right. Well we can gather everyone up and discuss? Or we could always just assume a lazy day.”

“I think we should gather everyone in one of the rooms to discuss.” Seungmin spoke up from the other bed, grasping the attention of the other two boys. They nodded.

“Yeah, okay. I’ll text the group chat then.” Chan did as he said and proceeded to text the group chat, calling everyone to come to their room so they could talk.

It didn’t take long for the boys to arrive, Jisung and Minho coming first, Jeongin, Changbin, and Hyunjin soon following.

As soon as Hyunjin entered the room he made his way to Seungmin. “Minnie!” The younger boy flinched as Hyunjin called his name, sparing him a glance before sadly looking away from him. Hyunjin was shaken. Seungmin had barely acknowledged him.

Felix had watched that take place. He couldn’t help but feel bad for Hyunjin, no matter how he felt towards the older at the moment. He saw the way Hyunjin’s shoulders dropped and the small smile on his face was replaced with a frown. No matter how bad Hyunjin has made him feel, he never wanted the older to feel that too.

Felix glanced over to Changbin, who was standing by Jisung and not very surprisingly, staring at Felix. Though he looked away once he noticed the younger boy had looked towards him. This sucked. All Felix wanted was to have Changbin back. It hadn’t even been 24 hours since they had talked, but Felix felt like he was dying.

“Channie-hyung!” Jeongin cried out as he ran towards the older, enveloping him in a hug. Chan startled. “Why would you make me room with them, it was so awkward!” He whines out and Chan giggled, patting the youngest on the head and ruffling his hair.

“Sorry, Innie.” he let the younger boy leave his arms and then proceeded to address the whole group. “Okay, I asked you all to come cause we have no idea what we’re all doing today or if any of us even want to do anything at all. So, any ideas?” He looked around the room, a few shrugs and some awkward shakes of the head were all he got in response. “Seriously? No one has anything?” He sighed. Well what now. “Okay, well, I guess everyone can just decide for themselves then, whatever, I’m tired.” Chan shook his head, laying down on his bed and pulling out his phone, leaving his members on their own.

Everyone kind of went to discuss amongst themselves, some actually talking about what they wanted to do and some having useless conversations. Felix started up a conversation with Minho, not ready to confront Changbin just yet. Hyunjin, though, went to Seungmin.

“Minnie…” Hyunjin stepped hesitantly towards the younger boy, tapping him softly on the shoulder. Seungmin slightly pulled away from his touch before looking up at him blankly.

“What?” There was no warmth in his voice, he was trying his best to sound emotionless, but Hyunjin knew him better than that. He knew that the younger was sad, he always knew.

“Do you want to talk? Why are you upset with me.” Hyunjin tried to calm his voice down but it was admittedly shaky, didn’t Seungmin say he would always be there for him? Was he gonna leave him behind? He didn’t want to be alone.

Seungmin’s expression softened just slightly, noticing how uneasy Hyunjin was getting, he didn’t want him to have an anxiety attack or get too stressed. He just...he was just disappointed in him. He’s been nothing but terrible for the past few weeks, and he really wanted it to end. He wanted his Hyunjin back. He knew he was still the same Hyunjin, he had to be, but he couldn’t take the way his attitude and actions had changed since he’d realized he liked Changbin.

“Hyunjin,” He sighed deeply, his eyebrows creasing and he noticed Hyunjin’s eyes were beginning to water. “Let’s go to your room...we can’t talk with all these people here right?” He smiled softly, sadly. Hyunjin’s shoulders lifted slightly and he sniffed and blinked, trying not to let any tears fall. Seungmin wanted to talk to him. He nodded and walked to the hotel room door, Seungmin following close behind.

“Chan, we’re going to Hyunjin’s room, we’ll see you all later.” Chan nodded and he and Felix watched as they left the room.

The walk to the other room was short, and once the boys entered Hyunjin sat on his bed. He’d slept alone again last night, Changbin and Jeongin sharing the other bed. He patted the spot next to him, signaling Seungmin to sit. Seungmin took a deep breath before sitting next to Hyunjin.

They were quiet for a minute, neither wanting to start the conversation and Hyunjin felt like he was drowning. He felt like he was about to lose his best friend, the one who was always there for him. His negative thoughts filled his head and once again his eyes were watering, he was ready to start crying but then Seungmin spoke.

“Hyunjin...we really need to talk.” Seungmin hadn’t even called him  
Jinnie yet today. He doesn’t want to lose him. He can’t be alone. No one had been talking to him and Changbin wasn’t returning his feelings, what if he never had anyone ever again? What if Seungmin was about to say how furious he was at Hyunjin, what if he wanted to stop being friends? Hyunjin felt his hands shake as he held his head down low, and he bit his lip trying not to make any noise as a tear finally fell from his eye and rolled down his cheek, falling from his face to land on his hand. Seungmin noticed and his heart dropped.

“Hey, hey it's okay, come here.” Seungmin shushed the boy softly and quickly pulled him into his arms, letting Hyunjin bury his face into the crook of his neck.

“Minnie...” he let out a choked sob “...please don’t leave me please I don’t want to be alone and you said I would always have you please don’t leave.” He cried as Seungmin rubbed his back worriedly.

“Jinnie,” Hyunjin’s breath hitched “of course I’m not going to leave you, I would never leave you. I promise. You’re okay baby.” Hyunjin cried harder, it had been so long since Seungmin had called him baby. They used to always use it for each other, a term of endearment.

They stayed holding onto each other for a little while, before Hyunjin hesitantly pulled away, ready to talk though still kind of paranoid and definitely still upset.

“Are you ready to talk, Jinnie?” Seungmin asked, holding the older’s hands in his own and rubbing his thumbs comfortingly over his hands. Hyunjin nodded, straightening his posture and sniffing, they might as well get this over with.

“Okay...this is kind of serious, Hyunjin. I need you to take this seriously and listen to me, please.” Seungmin’s expression changed, Hyunjin knew he wasn’t joking. Hyunjin nodded, waiting for the other boy to continue.

“Well...we need to talk about what’s been going on with you lately, regarding Changbin...and Felix.” Hyunjin’s shoulders stiffened and his breath caught in his throat. Oh god. Hyunjin’s head dropped to stare at his lap, avoiding eye contact with the younger boy as he began speaking.

“Hyunjin...how you’re acting is not okay, and I can’t see how you don’t understand that. You’re causing Felix, and probably Changbin, a lot of pain and emotional strain. Do you not see how broken Felix is right now?” Seungmin’s eyebrows creased as he finished, a little bit of anger setting in. Hyunjin breathed shakily.

He didn’t want to talk about this at all.

They sat in silence.

“Hyung. Please. Talk to me.” Seungmin placed his hand on Hyunjin’s shoulder and the other boy flinched, shaking to get Seungmin off of him. The younger boy pulled back in slight shock at Hyunjin’s actions.

“You don’t understand Seungmin.” Hyunjin sounded like he was on the brink of crying again. “I’m in love with Changbin and you just don’t understand.” Despite his efforts to keep them inside, tears began to fall from Hyunjin’s face down into his lap. Seungmin’s heart panged in his chest, he hated seeing Hyunjin like this.

“Baby I know you are but-”

Hyunjin interrupted him “No, please let me talk. I need you to understand.” He took a breath. “Felix, he’s in love with Changbin too, I know you know that, right, there’s no way you don’t. How am I supposed to be nice to him if we both love him? How can things be how they were before now that everything that’s happened has happened? I used to think that there was no way Changbin would choose Felix over me, because why would anyone choose him over me? But now I’m not so sure and I think Changbin might genuinely like Felix back and that terrifies me, Minnie. What do I do if I can’t have the person I’m in love with? How is that fair?” Hyunjin ranted and rambled as he cried and Seungmin just listened. It was kind of ironic hearing the boy you had unrequited love for tell you that you don’t understand what unrequited love is like. Though Seungmin didn’t feel like laughing at that right now.

After Hyunjin tired himself out, having cried and talked too much, he went quiet, waiting for Seungmin to speak now that he was done.

Seungmin took a deep breath. “Hyunjin. First of all, don’t assume what I do and don’t understand. I understand your situation more than you think, sadly.” Hyunjin’s eyebrows creased at this. “But, no matter what situation I was in, no matter who I was in love with, if someone else loved them I would never act towards them how you’ve been acting towards Felix. And Hyunjin, I love you. I do, I love you so much more than you can even comprehend, and I hope you know that, but, I love Felix too. Felix is in a really bad place right now. His mental health is deteriorating terribly and you’re helping it do so. I know you’re hurting, trust me, I do. But you need to put your emotions and disdain aside for Felix’s, as well as your own, mental health right now. Please, just put everything aside for now. I miss you so much. The old you. I don’t like you being like this, I want my Hyunjin back.” Seungmin was the one on the verge of crying now, and Hyunjin was at a loss for words.

Maybe...maybe Seungmin was right. Hyunjin leaned in quickly to hug Seungmin as soon as the first tear fell down his face. They held each other tightly. Hyunjin sniffled as his mind wandered to Felix. He had adored the younger australian boy ever since they’d first met. Sure, he thought he was a little weird, and he still did, but it was just something that made Felix Felix. They weren’t the closest members at first, but after some good time together, as well as going through some bad times together, they grew a lot closer. Hyunjin could count on Felix. The younger would always cling to him and cuddle him, as he did the rest of the members, and he was incredibly comforting. The fans called him their sunshine, and Hyunjin had always agreed with that assessment. Felix was really a ray of sunshine. No matter what kind of day he was having, or how bad he himself was feeling, he would always take it upon himself to help and comfort the other members. His whole personality really shined. Hyunjin was Felix’s hyung, he was older than him, albeit not by too much but he still was. He was supposed to be there for him, to listen to him, to help him, and what had he been doing? He’s only been hurting him. He’s called him pathetic, useless, told him to kill himself. He’s been hurting their precious ray of sunshine. And all because they liked the same boy. What was wrong with him?

“Fuck...Minnie...I’m a terrible person.” Hyunjin let out a sob into Seungmin’s shoulder. Seungmin held him tighter and rubbed circles on his back with one hand, using the other to pull Hyunjin’s head further into his neck. He shushed him gently.

“No you’re not Hyunjin, you’re not. It’s okay. You just...you just haven’t been yourself lately. This isn’t who you really are. It’s okay. You’re okay, and I love you so much.” Seungmin lighty kissed the side of his head.

After a little more talking and a little more crying, and then smiling and giggling as they changed the topic to lighten the mood, the boys were done. It had been nearly 2 hours since they’d left the others now.

Seungmin sighed as he checked his phone, he had several texts from some of the others and a couple missed calls from Chan. Hyunjin did as well. He texted Chan back, telling him not to worry and that they were still just in the other hotel room and not dead or kidnapped or running away. Chan informed him the rest of them had gone out shopping, and gave him the name of the general area they were in so that they could come and join them.

“Well, I guess we should go then...if you’re okay now?” Seungmin spoke gently, placing his hand atop Hyunjin’s. Hyunjin smiled softly and nodded.

“Yeah, we can go now.”


End file.
